I'm trying to catch up on Welcome to Night Vale. It's weird and quirky and slightly creepy. It reminds me of Twin Peaks. I don't think I know anyone else that would like it. I don't like things like that. Not because I feel like an outcasts, but because I lose the words that would describe why I like it. All the adjectives and adverbs won't change the instinctual feeling that the person I'm describing it to, won't like it.
I found one glove. My fingers are finally warm for the first time all day. I need to look for a job now.
November 29, 2013
November 12, 2013
The Blank Page
Some people use circumstances like mine and make something awesome out of it. I feel like I'm just making a mess of my life. Not even that. That's too active. I'm just passively sitting in my messy life. It's surrounding me like a nest. Comforting me with it's familiararity. Wrapping me in the warmth of internet links, Netflix shows and coffee. "stay with me" it whispers....
I think I need to dismantle my nest. One twig at a time. When I've thrown myself out of the tree and eaten my fill of bugs, I need to find a new home. Not literally. It's cold outside of Florida.
Back to the analogy.
Perhaps, I can use some of the old twigs and re-purpose them. See if they are strong enough to support a roof and walls. Perhaps, I need to work on the foundation first.
Off to sing another song.
I think I need to dismantle my nest. One twig at a time. When I've thrown myself out of the tree and eaten my fill of bugs, I need to find a new home. Not literally. It's cold outside of Florida.
Back to the analogy.
Perhaps, I can use some of the old twigs and re-purpose them. See if they are strong enough to support a roof and walls. Perhaps, I need to work on the foundation first.
Off to sing another song.
November 9, 2013
A Little Break From The World
I've been getting tired of the endless stream of idiocy that I see online. So, like always, I deleted accounts and am trying to limit my use. I don't see it as a big deal anymore. I want to separate myself from the world. Find myself again? I don't feel like I'm in an introspective mood.This isn't any kind of crusade. I just want to hide away and be happy with my life. I'm on a plateau since my last depression. I guess there was a period of time where I had to acclimate to my new environment of poverty. I'm becoming pretty good at avoiding calls from creditors. Thank goodness for caller ID. I've been searching and applying for jobs. trying to hold out for the perfect one. It doesn't cost anything to watch your credit deteriorate, har har...
It wouldn't be so bad if Aaron had stepped up. But I asked him for financial help in the beginning. He said "we'll talk about it when I get home". A month and a half later and it hasn't been brought up since. He knows I get the calls. I don't know what he expects. Meanwhile, he's bought another computer, new tires, other random crap we don't need. He recently started investing and that is actually doing well. I sit here and avoid calls. He sometimes makes remarks about me not having a job. Well, maybe I wouldn't have been so fucking depressed and would have felt motivated and safe last month if you'd helped! Ugh! he already does so much and I don't want to ask him for anything else. I'm not doing much for myself though. It's a conundrum. All my problems have "easy" solutions. Too bad I haven't gotten a call for an interview in a month and nothing much pops up on craigslist and the job sites.
ANYWAYS.
I didn't start writing to bitch about my financial woes. I may in fact delete what I just wrote because it's no one's business.
I want to get away from the technology so I can focus on cleaning my hosue. Hell, if I want to be a "housewife" again, I might as well be awesome at it. I also want to paint more and create. Maybe even write. I've been looking at sight where you get paid to write and I really need to practice. Get back to it. Hell, I haven't even written in my journal since March. I did that down at the park earlier this week.
I guess I don't feel like I fit in anywhere in this world so I want to make my own place. I don't want to feel like a failure because I'm not living up to everyone else's standards. What is a normal life? Why can't mine be just fine and screw everyone else? That's how I used to think.
I'm off to watch Ender's Game now.
It wouldn't be so bad if Aaron had stepped up. But I asked him for financial help in the beginning. He said "we'll talk about it when I get home". A month and a half later and it hasn't been brought up since. He knows I get the calls. I don't know what he expects. Meanwhile, he's bought another computer, new tires, other random crap we don't need. He recently started investing and that is actually doing well. I sit here and avoid calls. He sometimes makes remarks about me not having a job. Well, maybe I wouldn't have been so fucking depressed and would have felt motivated and safe last month if you'd helped! Ugh! he already does so much and I don't want to ask him for anything else. I'm not doing much for myself though. It's a conundrum. All my problems have "easy" solutions. Too bad I haven't gotten a call for an interview in a month and nothing much pops up on craigslist and the job sites.
ANYWAYS.
I didn't start writing to bitch about my financial woes. I may in fact delete what I just wrote because it's no one's business.
I want to get away from the technology so I can focus on cleaning my hosue. Hell, if I want to be a "housewife" again, I might as well be awesome at it. I also want to paint more and create. Maybe even write. I've been looking at sight where you get paid to write and I really need to practice. Get back to it. Hell, I haven't even written in my journal since March. I did that down at the park earlier this week.
I guess I don't feel like I fit in anywhere in this world so I want to make my own place. I don't want to feel like a failure because I'm not living up to everyone else's standards. What is a normal life? Why can't mine be just fine and screw everyone else? That's how I used to think.
I'm off to watch Ender's Game now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)