I seem to have taken myself out of life lately. I have checked out of life. On June 30, 2014 my oldest sister, Amy Scott, passed away. She had AIDS. She had only found the courage to tell us 2 years ago what the reason for her constant illness and frequent hospital visits was.
I felt torn asunder. Losing my sister fell like losing my identity. I had always been the baby in a family of 6 children. Amy was only 43 and was too young for death. The last memories I have with her will always be cherished, even though they are a source of pain and sadness. It has been a hard road, so far. The stress of her month long hospital stay, the slow acceptance of her impending death, the funeral, the fights with my other siblings have all taken a toll on my mind, body and soul.
While I am recently coming to a place of normalcy and acceptance, I am realizing that I am just in the same boat as I always have been. Only now I have less than before. The love I have for my family has always been so constant, and now everything feels off.
I have so much to fix in my life. I want to live, and find myself, to honor Amy's memory. She had a hard life and never much opportunity. How can I live for her? I feel selfish even saying that. As though I am diminishing her to a motivation poster, or some silly anecdote. How do we turn the hardships of life into joy? I know life is lived one day at a time but I have already squandered so many of them. I don't know where to start.
I feel like this deserved a crochet metaphor. I starter off with the correct number of stitched on my chain, but I've missed several in the following rows. Now my afghan is uneven and ugly.
I need to go home to Wisconsin, try not to miss Aaron too much while he is away, and get a job. Try to pay off some of my debt. It won't all be paid off for years. I lack any skills that would assure me a well paying position anywhere. Plus the huge gaps in employment history.
I know this sounds stupid... But I just don't understand it. I don't know why I am supposed to earn a wage, and be someone else's worker bee.... How does that benefit my life? Aside from money, that is. There is no job out there that I can see myself doing happily. I also hate selling, so I can't see myself owning my own business, or trying to sell my art or writing. I hate myself. How could I ever sell myself? "Fake it 'til you make it", might be the way successful people do it, but not me. I don't have it in me. I am scared. I am a fearful creature and I don't want to take chances. I don't know when life started to scare me, but that's where I am now.
I have no idea what I would do if there was no one for me to lean or depend upon. I am forever grateful for my parents and Aaron. Yet, at the same time, I resent that I have to be supported. I feel powerless in certain situations because I don't bring money into the household. I feel worthless and useless. No one is telling me otherwise.
I wish I was a driven person. I wish that growing up poor, and losing people, and my own personal tales of woe would be enough to motivate me to do better than I ever dreamed. I am complacent. I hate it.
So that is all I have to say for now. I just thought maybe writing would help me get my shit together. Who knows, maybe it will someday.
