Well, well, well... Hello again.

It's been forever and a day, hasn't it. I haven't felt emotionally driven to write, so I haven't. And even was I was... I thought it was better to hold my tongue. More fool, I. I have silenced myself for too long. I have been afraid of what will come out. Afraid of being mediocre. Afraid of sharing. So, what is new.

Aaron and I broke up. And I think it was really for the best. I don't want to ride a train that keeps going straight forever and nothing changes but the scenery. In short, things were going nowhere with Aaron. So, now I'm gonna hoof it. Literally, because that relationship also came with a vehicle. I need to save my money for a car. I don't know how long that will take with my only job being at Fleet Farm, part time.

I will make it, though. And Dad is already on the hunt for vehicles. I don't have the motivation to think of my needs yet. I'm still a little in shock at being single. A little in shock that just two weeks after I was having an affair with someone else. Well, he is gone now. To the Philippines and is already falling for a pretty Filipino girl.Which he described to me in detail.

Fuck it.

I don't want anyone. I just want to laze away in the sunshine and enjoy my time. Those two aren't going together like they used to. I feel like I am wasting my time, but I don't have the wherewithal to get off my ass and do something. Anything creative seems to take too much time. I'll never figure out what I'm taking time away from, but I feel I must be wasting it. Maybe I convinced myself through all those years of depression that just being alive was a waste of time.

I need to have an adventure. I need to apply for school and figure out what to do about school. I need to pay my doctor bills. This is supposed to be a blog, not a list. It does feel good to type again. It feels good to write soley to myself. I think my one reader has given up blogging herself.

I need to stop chasing adventure. It really is time to hunker down and make something of this bunch of stardust named, Lindsay. Who will I become? Oooh, the possibilities are endless. Haha... I keep telling myself that I have 50 more years left. What do I want to fill them with? A lot of things have already been crossed off my bucket list. Skydiving, publishing something, writing and finishing a book(just for me, I don't care about trying to get it out there), a moonlit horseback ride in the West, bungee jumping, hiking in some real mountains, travel, travel, travel...

I still need to get those berries that make sour things taste sweet. I wouldn't mind falling in love a million more times... Maybe getting married again. I want to be out of Wisconsin in a couple years. Or at least out of this town. Fond du Lac is soul crushing.

I joined a volleyball team, and I want to take dance lessons. I've lost about 15 pounds since I broke it off with Aaron. I had a dream the rosemary in my herb garden died.

I need to start taking pictures again. I had a blast on mother's day, playing with Mom's camera. With all the money I've spent on cameras over the years, I could have had an awesome DSLR by now. I wonder if my Best Buy credit card is still active? Haha... Not going down that road again. My credit is in shambles, but I'll build it back up. Just me and my hard work.

I think the thing that always gets me is how long hard work and dedication take to get you anywhere. I want an easy ride. So does everyone, I suppose. I get bored. What's a job that keeps you on your toes? I should probably go and look up school again. See when I have to have my application in. I wonder if I could get by part time. If I could afford to take out no more loans? That would be wonderful. I would love to pay off my education as I get it. The school loans from the last try are still fucking me over.

I want to keep writing, but now it's just turning into free association. I might start writing how I really feel about things soon. I guess I started off by saying I miss that. So, here goes.. I miss feeling special. I miss being loved. I haven't really felt loved in ages. Is romance really dead? Ah, never mind. I don't want to write about how I want something that no jerk seems to have time for. I think I need to just focus on my constantly shifting goals and dreams. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, but I know I want to be independent. I miss that. Why the hell did I ever get married. I always said I'd never regret that. I do, though. It was such a foolish thing to do at 19. I had things going for me then, and I threw it all away on some egotistical, whining, child. Sure, I've had better since then, but I've never been able to just be me. To get ahead. It's still mostly my fault.

I think maybe I'm fucking tired of accepting responsibility for my own life. It's not like anyone asks about it anyway. It's everyone's fault. I'm doing fucking fine. I'm having a nice day and a nice life.


Until next time. Let's hope there is one. This really does feel good.

-Lindsay

:)

Pause

I seem to have taken myself out of life lately. I have checked out of life. On June 30, 2014 my oldest sister, Amy Scott, passed away. She had AIDS. She had only found the courage to tell us 2 years ago what the reason for her constant illness and frequent hospital visits was.

I felt torn asunder. Losing my sister fell like losing my identity. I had always been the baby in a family of 6 children. Amy was only 43 and was too young for death. The last memories I have with her will always be cherished, even though they are a source of pain and sadness. It has been a hard road, so far. The stress of her month long hospital stay, the slow acceptance of her impending death, the funeral, the fights with my other siblings have all taken a toll on my mind, body and soul.

While I am recently coming to a place of normalcy and acceptance, I am realizing that I am just in the same boat as I always have been. Only now I have less than before. The love I have for my family has always been so constant, and now everything feels off.

I have so much to fix in my life. I want to live, and find myself, to honor Amy's memory. She had a hard life and never much opportunity. How can I live for her? I feel selfish even saying that. As though I am diminishing her to a motivation poster, or some silly anecdote. How do we turn the hardships of life into joy? I know life is lived one day at a time but I have already squandered so many of them. I don't know where to start.

I feel like this deserved a crochet metaphor. I starter off with the correct number of stitched on my chain, but I've missed several in the following rows. Now my afghan is uneven and ugly.

I need to go home to Wisconsin, try not to miss Aaron too much while he is away, and get a job. Try to pay off some of my debt. It won't all be paid off for years. I lack any skills that would assure me a well paying position anywhere. Plus the huge gaps in employment history.

I know this sounds stupid... But I just don't understand it. I don't know why I am supposed to earn a wage, and be someone else's worker bee.... How does that benefit my life? Aside from money, that is. There is no job out there that I can see myself doing happily. I also hate selling, so I can't see myself owning my own business, or trying to sell my art or writing. I hate myself. How could I ever sell myself? "Fake it 'til you make it", might be the way successful people do it, but not me. I don't have it in me. I am scared. I am a fearful creature and I don't want to take chances. I don't know when life started to scare me, but that's where I am now.

I have no idea what I would do if there was no one for me to lean or depend upon. I am forever grateful for my parents and Aaron. Yet, at the same time, I resent that I have to be supported. I feel powerless in certain situations because I don't bring money into the household. I feel worthless and useless. No one is telling me otherwise.


I wish I was a driven person. I wish that growing up poor, and losing people, and my own personal tales of woe would be enough to motivate me to do better than I ever dreamed. I am complacent. I hate it.

So that is all I have to say for now. I just thought maybe writing would help me get my shit together. Who knows, maybe it will someday.

Happy New Year

Everything sucks. I am not hopeful for 2014. Things can't get much worse I than 2013, I guess. I wish someone would just be positive for me and tell me things are ok.

Tastes

I'm trying to catch up on Welcome to Night Vale. It's weird and quirky and slightly creepy. It reminds me of Twin Peaks. I don't think I know anyone else that would like it. I don't like things like that. Not because I feel like an outcasts, but because I lose the words that would describe why I like it. All the adjectives and adverbs won't change the instinctual feeling that the person I'm describing it to, won't like it.


I found one glove. My fingers are finally warm for the first time all day. I need to look for a job now.

The Blank Page

Some people use circumstances like mine and make something awesome out of it. I feel like I'm just making a mess of my life. Not even that. That's too active. I'm just passively sitting in my messy life. It's surrounding me like a nest. Comforting me with it's familiararity. Wrapping me in the warmth of internet links, Netflix shows and coffee. "stay with me" it whispers....


I think I need to dismantle my nest. One twig at a time. When I've thrown myself out of the tree and eaten my fill of bugs, I need to find a new home. Not literally. It's cold outside of Florida.

Back to the analogy.


Perhaps, I can use some of the old twigs and re-purpose them. See if they are strong enough to support a roof and walls. Perhaps, I need to work on the foundation first.


Off to sing another song.

A Little Break From The World

I've been getting tired of the endless stream of idiocy that I see online. So, like always, I deleted accounts and am trying to limit my use. I don't see it as a big deal anymore. I want to separate myself from the world. Find myself again? I don't feel like I'm in an introspective mood.This isn't any kind of crusade. I just want to hide away and be happy with my life. I'm on a plateau since my last depression. I guess there was a period of time where I had to acclimate to my new environment of poverty. I'm becoming pretty good at avoiding calls from creditors. Thank goodness for caller ID. I've been searching and applying for jobs. trying to hold out for the perfect one. It doesn't cost anything to watch your credit deteriorate, har har...

It wouldn't be so bad if Aaron had stepped up. But I asked him for financial help in the beginning. He said "we'll talk about it when I get home". A month and a half later and it hasn't been brought up since. He knows I get the calls. I don't know what he expects. Meanwhile, he's bought another computer, new tires, other random crap we don't need. He recently started investing and that is actually doing well. I sit here and  avoid calls. He sometimes makes remarks about me not having a job. Well, maybe I wouldn't have been so fucking depressed and would have felt motivated and safe last month if you'd helped! Ugh! he already does so much and I don't want to ask him for anything else. I'm not doing much for myself though. It's a conundrum. All my problems have "easy" solutions. Too bad I haven't gotten a call for an interview in a month and nothing much pops up on craigslist and the job sites.

ANYWAYS.

I didn't start writing to bitch about my financial woes. I may in fact delete what I just wrote because it's no one's business.


I want to get away from the technology so I can focus on cleaning my hosue. Hell, if I want to be a "housewife" again, I might as well be awesome at it. I also want to paint more and create. Maybe even write. I've been looking at sight where you get paid to write and I really need to practice. Get back to it. Hell, I haven't even written in my journal since March. I did that down at the park earlier this week.

I guess I don't feel like I fit in anywhere in this world so I want to make my own place. I don't want to feel like a failure because I'm not living up to everyone else's standards. What is a normal life? Why can't mine be just fine and screw everyone else? That's how I used to think.


I'm off to watch Ender's Game now.