It's been forever and a day, hasn't it. I haven't felt emotionally driven to write, so I haven't. And even was I was... I thought it was better to hold my tongue. More fool, I. I have silenced myself for too long. I have been afraid of what will come out. Afraid of being mediocre. Afraid of sharing. So, what is new.
Aaron and I broke up. And I think it was really for the best. I don't want to ride a train that keeps going straight forever and nothing changes but the scenery. In short, things were going nowhere with Aaron. So, now I'm gonna hoof it. Literally, because that relationship also came with a vehicle. I need to save my money for a car. I don't know how long that will take with my only job being at Fleet Farm, part time.
I will make it, though. And Dad is already on the hunt for vehicles. I don't have the motivation to think of my needs yet. I'm still a little in shock at being single. A little in shock that just two weeks after I was having an affair with someone else. Well, he is gone now. To the Philippines and is already falling for a pretty Filipino girl.Which he described to me in detail.
Fuck it.
I don't want anyone. I just want to laze away in the sunshine and enjoy my time. Those two aren't going together like they used to. I feel like I am wasting my time, but I don't have the wherewithal to get off my ass and do something. Anything creative seems to take too much time. I'll never figure out what I'm taking time away from, but I feel I must be wasting it. Maybe I convinced myself through all those years of depression that just being alive was a waste of time.
I need to have an adventure. I need to apply for school and figure out what to do about school. I need to pay my doctor bills. This is supposed to be a blog, not a list. It does feel good to type again. It feels good to write soley to myself. I think my one reader has given up blogging herself.
I need to stop chasing adventure. It really is time to hunker down and make something of this bunch of stardust named, Lindsay. Who will I become? Oooh, the possibilities are endless. Haha... I keep telling myself that I have 50 more years left. What do I want to fill them with? A lot of things have already been crossed off my bucket list. Skydiving, publishing something, writing and finishing a book(just for me, I don't care about trying to get it out there), a moonlit horseback ride in the West, bungee jumping, hiking in some real mountains, travel, travel, travel...
I still need to get those berries that make sour things taste sweet. I wouldn't mind falling in love a million more times... Maybe getting married again. I want to be out of Wisconsin in a couple years. Or at least out of this town. Fond du Lac is soul crushing.
I joined a volleyball team, and I want to take dance lessons. I've lost about 15 pounds since I broke it off with Aaron. I had a dream the rosemary in my herb garden died.
I need to start taking pictures again. I had a blast on mother's day, playing with Mom's camera. With all the money I've spent on cameras over the years, I could have had an awesome DSLR by now. I wonder if my Best Buy credit card is still active? Haha... Not going down that road again. My credit is in shambles, but I'll build it back up. Just me and my hard work.
I think the thing that always gets me is how long hard work and dedication take to get you anywhere. I want an easy ride. So does everyone, I suppose. I get bored. What's a job that keeps you on your toes? I should probably go and look up school again. See when I have to have my application in. I wonder if I could get by part time. If I could afford to take out no more loans? That would be wonderful. I would love to pay off my education as I get it. The school loans from the last try are still fucking me over.
I want to keep writing, but now it's just turning into free association. I might start writing how I really feel about things soon. I guess I started off by saying I miss that. So, here goes.. I miss feeling special. I miss being loved. I haven't really felt loved in ages. Is romance really dead? Ah, never mind. I don't want to write about how I want something that no jerk seems to have time for. I think I need to just focus on my constantly shifting goals and dreams. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, but I know I want to be independent. I miss that. Why the hell did I ever get married. I always said I'd never regret that. I do, though. It was such a foolish thing to do at 19. I had things going for me then, and I threw it all away on some egotistical, whining, child. Sure, I've had better since then, but I've never been able to just be me. To get ahead. It's still mostly my fault.
I think maybe I'm fucking tired of accepting responsibility for my own life. It's not like anyone asks about it anyway. It's everyone's fault. I'm doing fucking fine. I'm having a nice day and a nice life.
Until next time. Let's hope there is one. This really does feel good.
-Lindsay
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