I'm going to do a bit of free writing here.... I don't have a cohesive thought right now. Maybe I've been watching too much TV or been on the internet too long today. I wish those activities were more inspiring to me. Aaron and I went on a boat ride tonight in the harbor and bay. It was really tranquil. It was nice to get off the crowded streets of the town and look for dolphins and watch the sunset. Things seem to be shaping up in year 25.
I was somewhat torn about turning this age. I know there is no reason; that it's just a number. But it seems like a number where you can't be immature anymore. I don't necessarily mean in the bad ways. I guess... I feel like now I can't make any more mistakes. I should be done fucking around with my life by now. I am not ready for that. All the mistakes I may make now will (maybe) be more real and carry more weight. How they can carry more weight than the fuck ups I've had in the past, I don't know. I've been trying to focus on the positive. Let the past go. It's hard when I feel like I've been stuck in it for the past 10 years. Because 10 years ago is when I started to become me. Who am I now?
I'm certainly not the shy, awkward creature I was when I was 15. I definitely have more confidence. I've gained the ability to call "bullshit" when necessary. I've got experience. I've traveled and learned and met people.... And I've made and lost friends and lovers and family.... I've been the kind of person that focuses on what I've lost and that certainly isn't how I imagined I would think when I was younger. I've been this way since forever it feels. That's the problem. I haven't always been this way. I must've been a happy, carefree person at some point in my life. I never heard anyone call me an old soul or say I was wise beyond my years.
So... Why? Why would I want to focus on the things and people I no longer have? Is there any way to change how I view my life? I don't want to become super positive and cheery. Those kinds of people have always seemed strange to me. Those people that believe everything will be alright. I'm not a die-hard pessimist. I am at a point where I think I can say "everything is going ok".
But god damn there is still that lingering fear, the feeling that I have to knock on wood.... The future scares the living shit out of me. Especially right now when I have no plans for it. The only concrete plan I have for the future is going to Disney World in late August. I hate it. I'm a planner and a thinker. I need something.
Living day to day like this is a lot like living week to week on paychecks. If I lose something I'm fucked.Speaking of, I am living week to week on my Kohl's wages. I guess things are going good there. I've been getting more hours because it's back-to-school season here, already. I actually work 3- 8 hour days in a row next weekend. But of course I get 3 days off before it and 4 days off after. I'll see if I can pick up a shift or two. It's easy money, but it is far from rewarding. I miss making something.
I'm almost done with the blanket I've been crocheting for almost a year. I'm working on the border right now. It's harder than I thought it would be.
So... Anyways, I'm still procrastinating, my house is a little more organized, I'm broke most times, I'm fed and normally the roof doesn't leak and I'm living in Florida with a pretty awesome dude.
Life's ok.
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