Confidence

I've been feeling strangely positive lately. The world isn't an oyster and it sure as hell isn't mine. Maybe if I had the confidence to believe in myself I would be happy. I'm afraid of pedestals and I never want to be put on one. I have always felt that to be confident and feel self-worth, you have to have people telling you that you're awesome. I get uncomfortable with compliments. I'll work on it.

Hello, there...

So, I detached myself from Big Brother's teat again. I'm thirsty without Facebook. It wasn't doing anything for me anymore. It had just devolved into a nervous habit and I already have enough of those.

So, I had a bad day at work. My first upset customer. She wasn't upset with the store. She was upset with me. I said something wrong and she thought I was treating her like an idiot. I've already told the story 3 times to the only people that care. I'm sick of it. This is apparently the 3rd time in 3 weeks that someone has made a complaint about my work. One wasn't a big deal. The second one I was wrong and I'm an idiot for saying something within the customer's hearing. The third one today was just a stupid misunderstanding. What a coincidence that I had a job interview with a temp agency after work. So... I have to go through the process of quitting a job again. I just don't know how much more I can take in retail. It takes a special kind of someone to make it a career.

I really don't know a lot of people that even like their jobs in retail. The way the companies run their employees is ridiculous and demeaning.

Anyways, now I have to make a decision. Take another risk. I hate it, but maybe it's what I need. I'm trying to get into administrative/clerical work. An office setting sounds super nice. But after the crap today I feel like I can't do anything right. I can't take criticism worth a damn. I devolve into a big ol' cry baby.

I've got issues.

Aaron's family will be here in a couple days and I'll have time off from Kohl's. So, hopefully, I'll have some time to think. I have to give notice at work though. I just don't want them to think I'm doing it because of a bad customer.

Around the block again...

I had a breakdown yesterday. Out of the blue. No clue. I don't even know what set it off. Maybe some texts from Aaron. A catalyst made of bytes and pixels. I was mildly aware of the embers being stoked but I felt like someone poured gasoline on the coals. I'm tired of it and I want help.

I've been dealing with it for so long on my own that I don't know where to even look. What would I say to a psychologist? Where to start? I've been analyzing myself for so long I should change my last name to Freud.

When did everything and everyone I know get so fucked up? Nothing was ever perfect, but it seemed like things could get better.  Now? Who knows. Maybe it's age or apathy or my dying brain cells. I want to be happy and I want to believe in a better future.

You may not know it but I am a closet optimist. It's a carefully guarded secret. If I strain my emotions behind a sarcasm filter I'll be fine. Screw what everyone else thinks... No one seems to care much about others anyway. That reality is what gets me.

I don't think like that, but I live like that. I don't do anything. I want to help the whole world, but I feel powerless without anyone to hold my hand and pull me up. Pull me into the  sun, into life, into the world...

I'm looking for some inspiration. I have a painting to finish. I want to write more. I had 4 days off and I didn't do anything with them. Not nearly what I could have done. I exercised a bit, did some laundry, washed some dishes, vacuumed. All pointless. Wastes of time and energy because I half assed it.

Here is a quote I found yesterday, from a poem called Infirmity by Theodore Roethfke:

"How body from spirit slowly does unwind
Until we are pure spirit at the end."