2nd Blog of the Year

I wish I had something happier to write about. Today, I finally made the decision to end my relationship with Seth. It's so strange because there was no catalyst. No defining moment. Just resolution.

He doesn't want to break up, but I'm sure it's more out of fear of change and loneliness. I need to go back home. I can't be here anymore. I'm in the same situation I was in with Ben. He's got a full time job, I don't. We only have one car and it's winter, so I'd have to freeze just to walk to work. This town doesn't even have a bus system.

The biggest thing, the one that feels right, is that we never should have had an actual relationship. I shouldn't have moved here. I don't regret it, but it was a dead end street. Most relationships that start as ours did don't last anyway. I think we both wanted to prove the world wrong! It didn't work.

When I get home, I'm going to get a job and just focus on work.
I need to pay off all my debt.
After that has been payed down or off, I'll get my own place and start working towards my dreams.
I know I don't want to be in a relationship for a really long time.
Two long relationships, back to back, has been stressful and they've taken their toll on me. I don't really know if I'll ever find my perfect person.
Right now, I don't really care to.

I work best alone, I guess. Haha, I don't want to be a loner, or lonely. I just need to stop relying on someone else for fulfillment. I don't need anyone else to take me away, or take care of me. I can do that for myself. I also need to work on making some true friendships.

Friends come and go, too. They just don't seem to have such a direct impact that a boyfriend does. I'll find someone with my interests and who likes to listen. I haven't had a real girlfriend in a very long time.

Until that happens, though, I'll have to find a way to get to Wisconsin. Preferably with most of my stuff! Any type of truck rental would be around $400 without gas, and shipping my stuff separate is even more costly.

Then when I get home, I'll need to beat the streets like a madwoman to find a job. I don't care how much I make, or if I'll like it. I just want to be able to work full time. If the job is in town, then maybe I could take a bus to work, I hope. I'll have to get a car sometime too. It's too cold for bikes and mine is shot anyways. In the spring I could maybe use a bike. I just hate that I'll have to move in with my parents again. My brother is still living there and there aren't even any beds. I guess I'll have to share the couch with Mason. Maybe Seth will let me take the air mattress?

Which leads me back to how I'll get to Wisconsin. Seth can't take me. We don't have money for gas and he works Monday-Saturday. Mom said something about coming to get me, but I don't know if they would have the time, money or fortitude for such a venture. It would be best. I could help pay for gas on the way back. We'll see. I probably will be here in Nebraska for a bit longer. It's nice that Seth is getting used to the idea of breaking up and he's not reacting badly. I know that sounds weird, but I've had some bad breakups, so this is pretty nice.

The strangest part is that I don't feel any different towards him.

It's love but not passion. I don't detest him, I'm not disgusted. I just feel the same. Like he's just my friend. We've gotten to the point where we're comfortable, most of the time. When we aren't fighting that is. I'm not used to this. I don't like to fight. When we fight, no one wins. I'm used to always winning! Haha! That's why I'm happy that he's not really fighting me about this.
Besides, we're both starting to get excited about that the future holds now! This is good for him. He needs to find a fun loving, sporty, COPS watching girl who wants to have lots of babies and get married forever. And I need to get my own life in order and stop mooching off people.

'Nough said.

Lindsay

Happy New Year!

So, one of my resolutions is to blog more! It should be easy! I hope, haha! I just need to stay away from Facebook and stick to this! I don't have a life that interests anyone on Facebook, so why should I waste my time? I'm not pregnant, I don't have kids, and I don't go and do crazy shit with people. So, no pictures and no cool, exciting or frustrated status.

I finished my afghan finally! I'm very proud of myself! It's not as big as I thought it would be, but I'm ready to be done. I'm not sure if I want to crochet anymore or start a completely new kind of project. I really want to paint my tables(dining and coffee). I want them to be funky and colorful. Definitely one of a kind pieces.

Another resolution has to do with Seth. I miss that feeling we had when we first started our relationship! And I want it back! I still love him and like him, I just want to want him like I used to.

I also need to find a job, pay off my bills, and maybe lose some weight. I don't really want those to be goals though, cause they'll all happen in time.

Hmm, last night Seth and I had a talk. I come to realize in the past couple months that I really don't think I want to get married again or have children. Seth doesn't care too much about the marriage thing, but he loves kids. He was born to be a dad! I decided to get all this out there and see what his take is. I don't want to stop him from having children. For now we are together and it's alright. I know that a day is going to come along when we have to make some major decisions about our relationship. I still don't know if we'll make it to Wisconsin... I know that I'm going back. I don't know if he'll be coming with me.

 Sometimes, it's ok that people are in your life only for a little while.
 And, given the way Seth and I got together, I'm surprised we even are together! Most relationships like ours fall apart very fast. But I love him, he's been a very good friend and it has been interesting getting to know him and see his home. I like his family and stuff too.

 I don't want this to seem morose or anything. I'm feeling pretty good and who knows, maybe I'd change my mind, or he'd change his. Maybe our future is bright and wonderful. But if we're going to go downhill, I don't want to be sad and angry about it. I don't want to fight and I would want to still be friends.
So, that's my New Year's post!

 Happy New Year and good luck with your goals and resolutions!
 Grace Face