2nd Blog of the Year

I wish I had something happier to write about. Today, I finally made the decision to end my relationship with Seth. It's so strange because there was no catalyst. No defining moment. Just resolution.

He doesn't want to break up, but I'm sure it's more out of fear of change and loneliness. I need to go back home. I can't be here anymore. I'm in the same situation I was in with Ben. He's got a full time job, I don't. We only have one car and it's winter, so I'd have to freeze just to walk to work. This town doesn't even have a bus system.

The biggest thing, the one that feels right, is that we never should have had an actual relationship. I shouldn't have moved here. I don't regret it, but it was a dead end street. Most relationships that start as ours did don't last anyway. I think we both wanted to prove the world wrong! It didn't work.

When I get home, I'm going to get a job and just focus on work.
I need to pay off all my debt.
After that has been payed down or off, I'll get my own place and start working towards my dreams.
I know I don't want to be in a relationship for a really long time.
Two long relationships, back to back, has been stressful and they've taken their toll on me. I don't really know if I'll ever find my perfect person.
Right now, I don't really care to.

I work best alone, I guess. Haha, I don't want to be a loner, or lonely. I just need to stop relying on someone else for fulfillment. I don't need anyone else to take me away, or take care of me. I can do that for myself. I also need to work on making some true friendships.

Friends come and go, too. They just don't seem to have such a direct impact that a boyfriend does. I'll find someone with my interests and who likes to listen. I haven't had a real girlfriend in a very long time.

Until that happens, though, I'll have to find a way to get to Wisconsin. Preferably with most of my stuff! Any type of truck rental would be around $400 without gas, and shipping my stuff separate is even more costly.

Then when I get home, I'll need to beat the streets like a madwoman to find a job. I don't care how much I make, or if I'll like it. I just want to be able to work full time. If the job is in town, then maybe I could take a bus to work, I hope. I'll have to get a car sometime too. It's too cold for bikes and mine is shot anyways. In the spring I could maybe use a bike. I just hate that I'll have to move in with my parents again. My brother is still living there and there aren't even any beds. I guess I'll have to share the couch with Mason. Maybe Seth will let me take the air mattress?

Which leads me back to how I'll get to Wisconsin. Seth can't take me. We don't have money for gas and he works Monday-Saturday. Mom said something about coming to get me, but I don't know if they would have the time, money or fortitude for such a venture. It would be best. I could help pay for gas on the way back. We'll see. I probably will be here in Nebraska for a bit longer. It's nice that Seth is getting used to the idea of breaking up and he's not reacting badly. I know that sounds weird, but I've had some bad breakups, so this is pretty nice.

The strangest part is that I don't feel any different towards him.

It's love but not passion. I don't detest him, I'm not disgusted. I just feel the same. Like he's just my friend. We've gotten to the point where we're comfortable, most of the time. When we aren't fighting that is. I'm not used to this. I don't like to fight. When we fight, no one wins. I'm used to always winning! Haha! That's why I'm happy that he's not really fighting me about this.
Besides, we're both starting to get excited about that the future holds now! This is good for him. He needs to find a fun loving, sporty, COPS watching girl who wants to have lots of babies and get married forever. And I need to get my own life in order and stop mooching off people.

'Nough said.

Lindsay