I Am A Colossal Screw Up

I have dug myself into a financial hole. A deep one. I am trying to budget for May and I realize that I'll be out of money by the first. Unless I quit smoking. Which I'll have to do anyway, because I'll be broke.

This wouldn't bother me too much, normally. I'm used to being broke. This is a big month though. My parents 25th anniversary is this month, my niece's first communion is this month, and it's Cole's first birthday this month! I usually don't care about gift giving, and I see most occasions as a big waste of money. These are BIG events, though. Milestones. And I want to give presents!!

I also feel worse because the last time I talked to Ben, he told me that he still gives me money out of the goodness of his heart. Because he doesn't want to see me without. What a dick move...

Not that he was trying to be a dick... But it makes me feel like a worthless pile of excrement. Like I can't take care of myself.

Maybe it's just time to accept the fact that I can't.
That I am a pretty non-productive human being.
I really don't get why anyone at all cares about me.

And for some reason, when people do care about me, I feel worse. I feel unworthy. What do I do to deserve it?

But, on the bright side, all those milestones are happening next month! Somehow my parents made it to 25 years. They've been through so much together. A lot of it bad. If it wasn't for the tenacity of my mother, I would have grown up in a split household like so many kids my age did. I've questioned her choices many times, and I know I would never be able to do what she's done. I don't know if she made her choices because she was afraid to be alone, or if she really does love my dad with everything she's got. Maybe she's just got the soul of a fighter.

My dad sure as hell doesn't deserve her.

I can't believe Cole is turning 1!! Already! He's growing pretty slow. He's 11 months and he doesn't really walk yet, he says Mommy, but that's about it. He only has two teeth and he doesn't really eat solid food yet. That's just fine, everyone is different. I just heard tonight that his mom is giving him pizza, and hotdogs though. She's trying to get him to eat table food so he can go to daycare at The Y with her. Um... You don't force it... Sure, daycare is expensive, but not at the risk of your kids health. Cole has had problems digesting things, and she gives him shit like that to eat? What a dumb *expletive*.

And, personally, I could care less about my niece's communion, but it's a big deal to her. So I guess I'll go and find something to give her.

Now, I'm done sounding like an uncaring *expletive*.

Lindsay