Today feels so surreal. I feel like I found out someone died. Only she isn't dead. Today, my sister Amy finally told the family that she has AIDS. Throughout all these years of speculation I never let myself believe that AIDS was the reason she was so sick. I was optimistic and firmly thought she would get better. I thought that if she had AIDS she would tell us. I'm just happy she finally told our mom. I wish I was there to comfort her, to take care of her. How can my mom handle knowing that her oldest baby has a horrible disease like this? I don't even know how I'm handling it. I keep crying and then looking up stuff about it, life expectancies and such. I get a little hopeful. People can live a lot longer now with proper treatment. Amy says she got it from her husband John(who's shady death we now know was from AIDS). If Amy got it the year they got married, that means she's had HIV/AIDS for 11 years. We're all worried that her two youngest may have gotten it when she was pregnant with them. There is still a lot we don't know. A lot she may never tell us. While looking up life expectancies, people with AIDS that are receiving proper treatments can live 20-30 years after diagnosis. But there are many factors. Age, general health, lifestyle... Amy is 41, she's definitely not healthy. She can barely eat because of her medications. She couldn't make it up the short flight of stairs to her own apartment today, she was so out of breath. The way my mom described it, Amy sounded like an old lady.I don't know who to talk to. Strangely, talking to my own family would be too hard. At least over the phone. I think I really want to talk to my dad. He is the one person I can tell anything to. That I can cry to. He never judges and has a level head. I want to give my parents some space right now, though. I almost was the one to tell my brother about Amy. Thank goodness my parents answered when he called them. I don't know if I could have even gotten the words out.
I feel kind of torn right now. I want to go home for my family, but she's not dying... I don't think she's dying. She would probably be pissed if I showed up anyway, haha... I don't know... I'll have to talk to Amy I guess. See if she can give me the answers I need.
Wow Lindsay that's so... rough? Is that even the right word to use? I don't know how to finish that sentence. I sure hope she can get the treatment she needs and starts showing improvement instead of keep going down hill. :(
ReplyDeleteThank you Brittany. It's so hard... In many ways. Obviously I am scared and concerned and wish I could do more for her. On the other hand, I'm hurt that she didn't tell us for 5 years, and now I have to face the fact that my sister is going to die too young. All these years I was able to tell myself that she would get better. Now that's gone. So far I've been pretty good at pushing it to the back of my mind. It's hard to deal with when I'm not physically with my family.
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