Pause

I seem to have taken myself out of life lately. I have checked out of life. On June 30, 2014 my oldest sister, Amy Scott, passed away. She had AIDS. She had only found the courage to tell us 2 years ago what the reason for her constant illness and frequent hospital visits was.

I felt torn asunder. Losing my sister fell like losing my identity. I had always been the baby in a family of 6 children. Amy was only 43 and was too young for death. The last memories I have with her will always be cherished, even though they are a source of pain and sadness. It has been a hard road, so far. The stress of her month long hospital stay, the slow acceptance of her impending death, the funeral, the fights with my other siblings have all taken a toll on my mind, body and soul.

While I am recently coming to a place of normalcy and acceptance, I am realizing that I am just in the same boat as I always have been. Only now I have less than before. The love I have for my family has always been so constant, and now everything feels off.

I have so much to fix in my life. I want to live, and find myself, to honor Amy's memory. She had a hard life and never much opportunity. How can I live for her? I feel selfish even saying that. As though I am diminishing her to a motivation poster, or some silly anecdote. How do we turn the hardships of life into joy? I know life is lived one day at a time but I have already squandered so many of them. I don't know where to start.

I feel like this deserved a crochet metaphor. I starter off with the correct number of stitched on my chain, but I've missed several in the following rows. Now my afghan is uneven and ugly.

I need to go home to Wisconsin, try not to miss Aaron too much while he is away, and get a job. Try to pay off some of my debt. It won't all be paid off for years. I lack any skills that would assure me a well paying position anywhere. Plus the huge gaps in employment history.

I know this sounds stupid... But I just don't understand it. I don't know why I am supposed to earn a wage, and be someone else's worker bee.... How does that benefit my life? Aside from money, that is. There is no job out there that I can see myself doing happily. I also hate selling, so I can't see myself owning my own business, or trying to sell my art or writing. I hate myself. How could I ever sell myself? "Fake it 'til you make it", might be the way successful people do it, but not me. I don't have it in me. I am scared. I am a fearful creature and I don't want to take chances. I don't know when life started to scare me, but that's where I am now.

I have no idea what I would do if there was no one for me to lean or depend upon. I am forever grateful for my parents and Aaron. Yet, at the same time, I resent that I have to be supported. I feel powerless in certain situations because I don't bring money into the household. I feel worthless and useless. No one is telling me otherwise.


I wish I was a driven person. I wish that growing up poor, and losing people, and my own personal tales of woe would be enough to motivate me to do better than I ever dreamed. I am complacent. I hate it.

So that is all I have to say for now. I just thought maybe writing would help me get my shit together. Who knows, maybe it will someday.

Happy New Year

Everything sucks. I am not hopeful for 2014. Things can't get much worse I than 2013, I guess. I wish someone would just be positive for me and tell me things are ok.

Tastes

I'm trying to catch up on Welcome to Night Vale. It's weird and quirky and slightly creepy. It reminds me of Twin Peaks. I don't think I know anyone else that would like it. I don't like things like that. Not because I feel like an outcasts, but because I lose the words that would describe why I like it. All the adjectives and adverbs won't change the instinctual feeling that the person I'm describing it to, won't like it.


I found one glove. My fingers are finally warm for the first time all day. I need to look for a job now.

The Blank Page

Some people use circumstances like mine and make something awesome out of it. I feel like I'm just making a mess of my life. Not even that. That's too active. I'm just passively sitting in my messy life. It's surrounding me like a nest. Comforting me with it's familiararity. Wrapping me in the warmth of internet links, Netflix shows and coffee. "stay with me" it whispers....


I think I need to dismantle my nest. One twig at a time. When I've thrown myself out of the tree and eaten my fill of bugs, I need to find a new home. Not literally. It's cold outside of Florida.

Back to the analogy.


Perhaps, I can use some of the old twigs and re-purpose them. See if they are strong enough to support a roof and walls. Perhaps, I need to work on the foundation first.


Off to sing another song.

A Little Break From The World

I've been getting tired of the endless stream of idiocy that I see online. So, like always, I deleted accounts and am trying to limit my use. I don't see it as a big deal anymore. I want to separate myself from the world. Find myself again? I don't feel like I'm in an introspective mood.This isn't any kind of crusade. I just want to hide away and be happy with my life. I'm on a plateau since my last depression. I guess there was a period of time where I had to acclimate to my new environment of poverty. I'm becoming pretty good at avoiding calls from creditors. Thank goodness for caller ID. I've been searching and applying for jobs. trying to hold out for the perfect one. It doesn't cost anything to watch your credit deteriorate, har har...

It wouldn't be so bad if Aaron had stepped up. But I asked him for financial help in the beginning. He said "we'll talk about it when I get home". A month and a half later and it hasn't been brought up since. He knows I get the calls. I don't know what he expects. Meanwhile, he's bought another computer, new tires, other random crap we don't need. He recently started investing and that is actually doing well. I sit here and  avoid calls. He sometimes makes remarks about me not having a job. Well, maybe I wouldn't have been so fucking depressed and would have felt motivated and safe last month if you'd helped! Ugh! he already does so much and I don't want to ask him for anything else. I'm not doing much for myself though. It's a conundrum. All my problems have "easy" solutions. Too bad I haven't gotten a call for an interview in a month and nothing much pops up on craigslist and the job sites.

ANYWAYS.

I didn't start writing to bitch about my financial woes. I may in fact delete what I just wrote because it's no one's business.


I want to get away from the technology so I can focus on cleaning my hosue. Hell, if I want to be a "housewife" again, I might as well be awesome at it. I also want to paint more and create. Maybe even write. I've been looking at sight where you get paid to write and I really need to practice. Get back to it. Hell, I haven't even written in my journal since March. I did that down at the park earlier this week.

I guess I don't feel like I fit in anywhere in this world so I want to make my own place. I don't want to feel like a failure because I'm not living up to everyone else's standards. What is a normal life? Why can't mine be just fine and screw everyone else? That's how I used to think.


I'm off to watch Ender's Game now.

Confidence

I've been feeling strangely positive lately. The world isn't an oyster and it sure as hell isn't mine. Maybe if I had the confidence to believe in myself I would be happy. I'm afraid of pedestals and I never want to be put on one. I have always felt that to be confident and feel self-worth, you have to have people telling you that you're awesome. I get uncomfortable with compliments. I'll work on it.

Hello, there...

So, I detached myself from Big Brother's teat again. I'm thirsty without Facebook. It wasn't doing anything for me anymore. It had just devolved into a nervous habit and I already have enough of those.

So, I had a bad day at work. My first upset customer. She wasn't upset with the store. She was upset with me. I said something wrong and she thought I was treating her like an idiot. I've already told the story 3 times to the only people that care. I'm sick of it. This is apparently the 3rd time in 3 weeks that someone has made a complaint about my work. One wasn't a big deal. The second one I was wrong and I'm an idiot for saying something within the customer's hearing. The third one today was just a stupid misunderstanding. What a coincidence that I had a job interview with a temp agency after work. So... I have to go through the process of quitting a job again. I just don't know how much more I can take in retail. It takes a special kind of someone to make it a career.

I really don't know a lot of people that even like their jobs in retail. The way the companies run their employees is ridiculous and demeaning.

Anyways, now I have to make a decision. Take another risk. I hate it, but maybe it's what I need. I'm trying to get into administrative/clerical work. An office setting sounds super nice. But after the crap today I feel like I can't do anything right. I can't take criticism worth a damn. I devolve into a big ol' cry baby.

I've got issues.

Aaron's family will be here in a couple days and I'll have time off from Kohl's. So, hopefully, I'll have some time to think. I have to give notice at work though. I just don't want them to think I'm doing it because of a bad customer.