I never thought my life would end up like this. Ever. I am ashamed and disappointed. And it's all my fault. Maybe I'm just not strong enough. I don't even know how I've gotten through the past couple days... All I've wanted to do is just curl up and cry... I don't know what I want, but I don't want what I've got. I just want out.

Haha... My dog thinks I'm insane, I think. "why the he'll is Lindsay moaning like that and why is that stuff coming out her eyes? What a party pooper. Woof".

I don't think I've ever felt so alone... I don't think I've ever felt so weak and indecisive. Someone could come and walk all over me right now, and I wouldn't even care. On the outside, it seems like things are going good for me. I can't seem to make myself believe it though. Things will get better... That's the only thought that keeps me sane. They've got to get better.

I need a tissue. Later.

Rearrangement

I feel like I am drowning in a morass of negativity.. I am surrounded by it night and day. I try to be positive and get away, but misery loves company and encouraging words are scorned hastily. I just want to get away from all this and wrap myself up in happy people with gentler lives. I don't think they exist though. I'm losing any respect for humanity. I know there are good, kind, giving people out there. I've met them randomly. They come out of nowhere and make you smile. They are a beacon of hope in the shrouding darkness of immorality in the world. I want to be one of those people. I have to run through the careless words, as though they are branches in a dark forest, whipping me in the face. It gets hard to believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, a break in the trees... Believing in the sunshine feels as absurd as the Catholic church believing the Earth revolves around the sun in the 16th century. While there is every proof that it is the truth, I staunchly hold onto the ways things are.

I got a paper route! And I'm quitting it already, haha... I need a real job. And my body feels like it got run over by a truck. It's my own fault. I should have done the job in a more efficient way.

So, I'm back to square one. I don't know if I even made it to square two, but I tried :) donating plasma isn't working out either. Between having a high pulse, conflicting schedules and being tired as an overworked mule, I haven't been able to successfully donate.

Today it's going to be hot, damn hot!

I'm just glad I can enjoy it :) no papers tomorrow! I don't know if I'll be able to watch fireworks on Sunday night... I haven't missed fireworks since...well, I don't even know. It's only my third favorite holiday. I can miss it.

That's all for now. I just realized that is has been a while since I wrote on here.