Finally, someone in my family got put in the loony bin.

Well, my niece Mariah got sent to the nuthouse. It must've been on Friday. I just found out today. Mariah was talking suicide and someone told the police. So, there she went. Hopefully she gets some help. They actually took her off some pills she was on. That's good because a side effect of anti-depressants is suicidal thought. Especially in teens. I don't know why she was ever put on them. Who knows how those pills mess with a growing brain? It looks like she'll get to go home tomorrow. Anyways, my mom mentioned it offhand today right befor I had to go to work, and her phone kept cutting out. So I didn't get to talk about it. I stewed and felt like shit while working. Thankfully, I was working with Amy, and she loves to talk. So I got to unload on her, and she gave me a hug :) I think I felt the worst about not being told. It's so hard for me. To go from living with my parents, and close to everyone. I knew everything right away. These days I find out stuff days after it happens. The oddest thing was that everyone Julie told actually kept it to themselves. Bryan knew, and didn't tell my parents. Gina knew, and didn't tell my parents, or Bryan. Even though they both knew. Lisa knew and told no one which is not surprising. She doesn't talk too much about things other than her kids.  Anyways I felt excluded, and then felt like crap because I was feeling so petty. I hate my brain sometimes. I did talk to Julie though. It was nice to hear it from her. And I talked to Amy, and mom, and with Gina for a few seconds. So, Mariah's depression gave me a chance to talk to my siblings. There is a silver lining to everything, haha!

Nothing much has changed. My nephew Tyler sent me a little paper guy named Flat Stanley. I have to take him place and write/take pictures of what we do :) I want to wake up early tomorrow and take him somewhere. The beach for sure. I need to get a stick to attach him to. That way I can put him in the sand.

Aaron is coming home in a week! I'm so excited! He is so amazing and wonderful! I sense that our relationship with be changing soon, but shhhh! Don't tell anyone :) I'm really happy this year will be ending on a good note. It's had it's ups and downs and plateaus. I'll be excited for 2013! I don't like knowing that I'll only be spending half of it with my love, but I'll deal with it when I have to. Bryan's wedding is in June, so I have that to look forward to. It's gonna suck going by myself, but maybe I'll have a friend I can drag along.

Work is work. I make donuts. It's probably one of the most boring jobs ever. I'm going to start applying for a second or different job soon. Retail is probably out, since it will be after Christmas. Maybe the perfect job is out there for me.... Somewhere.... I'm thinking about starting school in the fall. It can't hurt to do some classes while Aaron is deployed. I'm sick of being stuck in a rut, and feeling dumb for not trying.

I can't wait to be home.

Election day!

Go vote!
I've been thinking of writing on here for awhile. My sole reader just updated, so now I feel the pressure. I've had some things on my mind.
I've recently been killing time on a site called Reddit. It's got funny content and interesting content, and a lot of cats. But I made an account and comment on some things. The other night I shared a story about a time I drank and drove. It was on a link about daylight savings time, and literally the only story I have about DST. Someone else made a comment about having an extra hour out at the bars, and I said it was better than forgetting and having the bars close early when you're drunk. I added some more detail. Pretty much I drove home drunk and blacked out for a couple minutes while driving home. I didn't expect anyone else to even see my comment. But the responses I got were pretty much along the line of "fuck off, you're a horrible person, I hate you". I understand why someone would come to that conclusion. But I tried to explain that it was just an anecdote. That it was something that happened in the past and that I don't drink and drive anymore.
This got me thinking about how people think about things they read. I was telling a story that was a couple years old. I didn't hurt anyone. I learned from my mistake. Yet, I was still judged and branded a shitty person. Why? Why are people so quick to judge? Especially on the Internet when they have no clue what the other person is like? Do they do it because it's easy? Because they feel self-righteous? I try not to do this. And I think that the way I used to be, and the mistakes I've made have helped me be so tolerant. I don't understand how anyone can be so sure of everything. How is it possible to think you are so much better or morally right, than someone else?  Maybe part of it is religion. I'm sure that when people decided they are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Baha'i, Mormon, Jehovah's Witness, whatever, they narrow their acceptance of different beliefs. It's not just religion. Anyone that pigeon holes themselves will irrationally dislike people different than them. Based on the silliest little details that they learn about others. Ok, so I drank and drove once. I never did it   again. I learned my lesson. People like to hate on things that don't fit their view of right and wrong in  the world. When they hear of people going against their beliefs they stop thinking about that person  as a whole. They stop. They see the mistakes. Why? Why are people so intolerant? At what point do  people stop believing that people can change, in rehabilitation, in personal growth?
Hell, when I first moved to my new apartment, I was talking to one of my sisters about the neighbor  that invited Aaron and I over for dinner. She asked if he was cute. I thought for a second and said that  yeah, ,he kinda was. She laughed a nervous laugh and said something like  "oooh". In that tone of  voice that implied that I thought he was attractive and I was going to go knock on his door and have  sex with him. Um... Ok... It was over a month ago, so I don't remember exactly what she said. What she implied was crystal clear, though. Of course she laughed and I didn't say anything about it.  Seriously... Does my own sister think I'm such a shitty person that I'm going to cheat on Aaron? I  love him, and I really believe he's the love of my life. Even if it was someone elses, or some other 
circumstance... I'm never going to do that again.
I think people hear cliches about these things so often that they stop being accepting to change. "Once a cheater, always a cheater", etc, They say things like "stereotypes are true for a reason" and say that  everyone they've met fits those stereotypes/cliches.
So what?
Open your mind, your heart. We are only on this earth for a short time. There is no time to hate others because you are too small minded. Take off the blinders and love one another. No matter your sex, your sexual orientation, your religion, your region, your marital staus, your upbringing, your job, your political party... You deserve to have the benefit of the doubt, some love and a chance to prove  yourself... Your whole being. No one should be judged by one story.

The Banned TED Talk

One can only hope that enough Americans and policy makers see this, and finally tax the rich. It's so common sense, this guy doesn't need more than 6 minutes to explain it. I really like that he isn't saying anything is wrong with capitalism. Capitalism is the easiest way to make everyone happy, and for there to even be a middle class. Now if we could inspire more businesses to move back to the United States, and get out of China, Mexico and the Philippines, we'd get another step ahead. If products were made in America, there would be more oversight, and less lead poisoning scares, less bad dog food. And if we still got most of our produce from home and only ate seasonally, think how awesome it would be :D

Stole This From Alternet

How the Christian Right's Homophobia Scares Away Religious Young People

The Christian right is increasingly out of step with how Americans feel about gay rights. This issue might be the one that destroys them in the end.

May 16, 2012  |  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Christian Right activists who give money, pressure politicians and organize against gay rights may think they’re accomplishing a couple of goals, like rolling back gay rights and asserting their religion’s primacy in American culture. Unfortunately for them (but fortunately for the rest of us), one of the things they're doing in the long run is alienating their young people -- not a good long-term strategy. Short-term victories like passing more bans on gay marriage, sometimes repeatedly in single states, might feel good for homophobic Christians, but in the long run, it’s their religion that will pay the ultimate price; available evidence shows that anti-gay activism is souring young people on Christianity.

In response to the latest gay-bashing vote in North Carolina, evangelical writer and speaker Rachel Held Evans wrote an impassioned plea to her fellow Christians to just cut it out. She points to statistics showing how much damage the church has sustained because of its anti-gay crusade. Research conducted by the pro-Christian Barna Group in 2007 on Americans age 16-29 found that “anti-homosexual” was the dominant perception of modern Christians. Ninety-one percent of non-Christians and 80 percent of Christians in this group used this word to describe Christians.

She also points to research documented in the book You Lost Me by David Kinnaman showing that 59 percent of teenagers who grow up as church-going Christians abandon their faith in adulthood. One of the major reasons is the gay rights issue. Overall, the perception--a largely correct one, I’d add--is that modern conservative Christianity is dominated by sex-phobic bigots who use God as a cudgel to beat all sorts of people, but especially gays and lesbians. No wonder many in the younger generation want out.

Unfortunately for Evans, these kinds of numbers probably won’t do much to convince the Christian right to give up on gay-bashing, at least not until it's done even more serious damage to the Christian brand. Evans may be drawn to Christianity for fellowship and spirituality--many more tolerant Christians are--but the dominant function of conservative Christianity in the real world has never been to offer comfort and solace to believers. Religion is about power and giving up the war on gays would mean relinquishing power and control over their adherents' most private selves. Thus, we can guess that the Christian Right won’t stop fighting gay rights until it’s way too late for them to take it back.

Right-wing American Christianity is rife with contradictions. The content of the church’s actual teachings are centered around the figure of Jesus Christ, who is renowned as the lover of the meek and the powerless. Yet right-wing Christianity in America has often served to comfort the powerful and afflict the weak.

In fact, when you look away from the “meek shall inherit the earth” text to the actual uses of Christianity throughout history, a different picture emerges. God has been used to rationalize the power of kings over the people, men over women, rich over poor, Westerners over the rest of the world, and has even been used to justify slavery. In the latter half of the 20th century a particular brand of American Christianity called the Prosperity Gospel began to celebrate obscene wealth, taking Christianity far away from its progressive elements. And of course, conservative Christianity in America has spent much of the last century and the start of this one demonizing and oppressing LGBT people. 

As devoted as it is to its anti-gay agenda, the Christian Right will be paying the penalty as gays are increasingly accepted in mainstream culture. Most political watchers are downright astounded at how quickly gay rights activists have turned public opinion around to favor their point of view. Less than two decades ago, most of the country had never even heard of the concept of same-sex marriage. Since then, there’s been a steady rise in support for legalizing same-sex marriage, with the most recent polls showing a majority of Americans supporting legalization.

Conservative Christian activists know that the perception of homophobia is damaging, which is why they try to avoid speaking of the issue directly at all, instead saying that they support “traditional marriage.” But the attempts to seem less hateful toward gays while attacking their rights fail repeatedly because homophobes can’t stay on message.

Virginia legislators this week blocked the nomination of highly regarded prosecutor Tracy Thorne-Begland to be a district judge for no other reason than they disapproved of his homosexuality. Del. Bob Marshall went on the record tut-tutting Thorne-Begland for “his behavior,” even though Thorne-Begland lives a quiet life with his partner and their adopted children. The whole situation exposed the emptiness of the “traditional marriage” rhetoric, demonstrating once again that the Christian Right’s views regarding gay people are rooted in a very un-Christ-like hate.

With all this hatefulness on display, no wonder conservative Christianity is losing young people. While just a little over half of Americans supporting gay marriage, nearly two-thirds of adults born after 1981 do. The Christian Right is increasingly out of step with how Americans feel about gay rights. This issue, even more than abortion rights, might be the one that destroys them in the end.

First Big Spider Encounter

Aaron and I were sitting outside tonight when all of a sudden he jumped up and pointed at our welcome mat. There was a huge spider!! The biggest I've ever seen at least. It was only about 2" in diameter. Aaron ran away and I picked up a bucket full of sand and squashed it. I looked it up and somehow was right guessing it was a wolf spider. Not poisonous, but I knew before I came to Florida that I wasn't taking any chances. Rest in pieces Herr Spider.

Amy's Mystery Solved

Today feels so surreal. I feel like I found out someone died. Only she isn't dead. Today, my sister Amy finally told the family that she has AIDS. Throughout all these years of speculation I never let myself believe that AIDS was the reason she was so sick. I was optimistic and firmly thought she would get better. I thought that if she had AIDS she would tell us. I'm just happy she finally told our mom. I wish I was there to comfort her, to take care of her. How can my mom handle knowing that her oldest baby has a horrible disease like this? I don't even know how I'm handling it. I keep crying and then looking up stuff about it, life expectancies and such. I get a little hopeful. People can live a lot longer now with proper treatment. Amy says she got it from her husband John(who's shady death we now know was from AIDS). If Amy got it the year they got married, that means she's had HIV/AIDS for 11 years. We're all worried that her two youngest may have gotten it when she was pregnant with them. There is still a lot we don't know. A lot she may never tell us. While looking up life expectancies, people with AIDS that are receiving proper treatments can live 20-30 years after diagnosis. But there are many factors. Age, general health, lifestyle... Amy is 41, she's definitely not healthy. She can barely eat because of her medications. She couldn't make it up the short flight of stairs to her own apartment today, she was so out of breath. The way my mom described it, Amy sounded like an old lady.I don't know who to talk to. Strangely, talking to my own family would be too hard. At least over the phone. I think I really want to talk to my dad. He is the one person I can tell anything to. That I can cry to. He never judges and has a level head. I want to give my parents some space right now, though. I almost was the one to tell my brother about Amy. Thank goodness my parents answered when he called them. I don't know if I could have even gotten the words out.

I feel kind of torn right now. I want to go home for my family, but she's not dying... I don't think she's dying. She would probably be pissed if I showed up anyway, haha...  I don't know... I'll have to talk to Amy I guess. See if she can give me the answers I need.

Just something I wrote while trying to fall asleep

"What will the story be? A sweeping romance? A story of high climaxes and grand conclusions? Or not, maybe just a dead end tale full of grand illusions. Coming of age? Confusion? The story of my life, or maybe the story of a life I can't even bring myself to dream of... Putting those wishes down in words makes the loss of something I'll never have all the more painful. It's a stupid, self indulgent thing. Yes, go ahead, feed the beast. Forget that you have a life to yet live. Limit your self. How foolish that you can't even pretend. So, as it is, there is no story. Even the blank pages aren't poetic in this sense, just a drab reminder of a life not being lived. A life spent staring at walls, and monitors. Waiting for a wisp of brilliance. That one moment when all becomes clear and it is your moment to shine. That focus won't come. No matter how much coffee you drink or cigarettes you puff. Devote yourself to the people you love, but see if that fulfills you. Waste all your energy on their life. No, that's not what you do. You feed off it."

Sometimes, I just hurt for the world. I don't much care about my role in it. I don't think I can change it... But, I can't ignore all the bad. I'm supposed to think of all the good things in the world, all the joy... But how does that make anything better? Even if I am good and I help and I try to change things... How will that help. These are the times when I really wish a god did exist. Who the hell do I pray to? I can wish and hope and send my thoughts until my eyes bleed and my throat is raw. Without a name, a being to call out to, it doesn't mean shit. And it really doesn't. My oldest sister is in the hospital right now. With meningitis. She's been in for over a week. What the hell can I do? I'm a thousand miles away. Say a prayer? Um... No. Can't ask for help with those either. I can't send money, because her oldest son would steal it. I can't help watch her kids, can't really go back to Wisconsin.... I really hope she'll be ok, and that she'll pull through like all the other times. But how many more times is this going to happen? Why does she have to suffer? And my nieces and nephews? What did they ever do to deserve it? Here I am, in beautiful, sunny Florida... I was having such a good time, I forgot she was in the hospital.. I am ashamed. Even if I was in Wisconsin,there would be nothing for me to do either. So I just have to sit it out, wait, and hope that her doctors know what they are doing.