Confidence

I've been feeling strangely positive lately. The world isn't an oyster and it sure as hell isn't mine. Maybe if I had the confidence to believe in myself I would be happy. I'm afraid of pedestals and I never want to be put on one. I have always felt that to be confident and feel self-worth, you have to have people telling you that you're awesome. I get uncomfortable with compliments. I'll work on it.

Hello, there...

So, I detached myself from Big Brother's teat again. I'm thirsty without Facebook. It wasn't doing anything for me anymore. It had just devolved into a nervous habit and I already have enough of those.

So, I had a bad day at work. My first upset customer. She wasn't upset with the store. She was upset with me. I said something wrong and she thought I was treating her like an idiot. I've already told the story 3 times to the only people that care. I'm sick of it. This is apparently the 3rd time in 3 weeks that someone has made a complaint about my work. One wasn't a big deal. The second one I was wrong and I'm an idiot for saying something within the customer's hearing. The third one today was just a stupid misunderstanding. What a coincidence that I had a job interview with a temp agency after work. So... I have to go through the process of quitting a job again. I just don't know how much more I can take in retail. It takes a special kind of someone to make it a career.

I really don't know a lot of people that even like their jobs in retail. The way the companies run their employees is ridiculous and demeaning.

Anyways, now I have to make a decision. Take another risk. I hate it, but maybe it's what I need. I'm trying to get into administrative/clerical work. An office setting sounds super nice. But after the crap today I feel like I can't do anything right. I can't take criticism worth a damn. I devolve into a big ol' cry baby.

I've got issues.

Aaron's family will be here in a couple days and I'll have time off from Kohl's. So, hopefully, I'll have some time to think. I have to give notice at work though. I just don't want them to think I'm doing it because of a bad customer.

Around the block again...

I had a breakdown yesterday. Out of the blue. No clue. I don't even know what set it off. Maybe some texts from Aaron. A catalyst made of bytes and pixels. I was mildly aware of the embers being stoked but I felt like someone poured gasoline on the coals. I'm tired of it and I want help.

I've been dealing with it for so long on my own that I don't know where to even look. What would I say to a psychologist? Where to start? I've been analyzing myself for so long I should change my last name to Freud.

When did everything and everyone I know get so fucked up? Nothing was ever perfect, but it seemed like things could get better.  Now? Who knows. Maybe it's age or apathy or my dying brain cells. I want to be happy and I want to believe in a better future.

You may not know it but I am a closet optimist. It's a carefully guarded secret. If I strain my emotions behind a sarcasm filter I'll be fine. Screw what everyone else thinks... No one seems to care much about others anyway. That reality is what gets me.

I don't think like that, but I live like that. I don't do anything. I want to help the whole world, but I feel powerless without anyone to hold my hand and pull me up. Pull me into the  sun, into life, into the world...

I'm looking for some inspiration. I have a painting to finish. I want to write more. I had 4 days off and I didn't do anything with them. Not nearly what I could have done. I exercised a bit, did some laundry, washed some dishes, vacuumed. All pointless. Wastes of time and energy because I half assed it.

Here is a quote I found yesterday, from a poem called Infirmity by Theodore Roethfke:

"How body from spirit slowly does unwind
Until we are pure spirit at the end."

Ramble On

I'm going to do a bit of free writing here.... I don't have a cohesive thought right now. Maybe I've been watching too much TV or been on the internet too long today. I wish those activities were more inspiring to me. Aaron and I went on a boat ride tonight in the harbor and bay. It was really tranquil. It was nice to get off the crowded streets of the town and look for dolphins and watch the sunset. Things seem to be shaping up in year 25.

I was somewhat torn about turning this age. I know there is no reason; that it's just a number. But it seems like a number where you can't be immature anymore. I don't necessarily mean in the bad ways. I guess... I feel like now I can't make any more mistakes. I should be done fucking around with my life by now. I am not ready for that. All the mistakes I may make now will (maybe) be more real and carry more weight. How they can carry more weight than the fuck ups I've had in the past, I don't know. I've been trying to focus on the positive. Let the past go. It's hard when I feel like I've been stuck in it for the past 10 years. Because 10 years ago is when I started to become me. Who am I now?

I'm certainly not the shy, awkward creature I was when I was 15. I definitely have more confidence. I've gained the ability to call "bullshit" when necessary. I've got experience. I've traveled and learned and met people.... And I've made and lost friends and lovers and family.... I've been the kind of person that focuses on what I've lost and that certainly isn't how I imagined I would think when I was younger. I've been this way since forever it feels. That's the problem. I haven't always been this way. I must've been a happy, carefree person at some point in my life. I never heard anyone call me an old soul or say I was wise beyond my years.

 So... Why? Why would I want to focus on the things and people I no longer have? Is there any way to change how I view my life? I don't want to become super positive and cheery. Those kinds of people have always seemed strange to me. Those people that believe everything will be alright. I'm not a die-hard pessimist. I am at a point where I think I can say "everything is going ok".

But god damn there is still that lingering fear, the feeling that I have to knock on wood.... The future scares the living shit out of me. Especially right now when I have no plans for it. The only concrete plan I have for the future is going to Disney World in late August. I hate it. I'm a planner and a thinker. I need something.

Living day to day like this is a lot like living week to week on paychecks. If I lose something I'm fucked.Speaking of, I am living week to week on my Kohl's wages. I guess things are going good there. I've been getting more hours because it's back-to-school season here, already. I actually work 3- 8 hour days in a row next weekend. But of course I get 3 days off before it and 4 days off after. I'll see if I can pick up a shift or two. It's easy money, but it is far from rewarding. I miss making something.

I'm almost done with the blanket I've been crocheting for almost a year. I'm working on the border right now. It's harder than I thought it would be.

So... Anyways, I'm still procrastinating, my house is a little more organized, I'm broke most times, I'm fed and normally the roof doesn't leak and I'm living in Florida with a pretty awesome dude.

Life's ok.

Beautiful Beginnings

My life isn't what I thought it would be. I never knew what I even wanted it to be. The last time I remember making grand plans, or even dreaming about my adult life, must've been around 4th grade. Soon after that the indecisiveness that seems to define my adult life set in. The pessimism, the laziness and the general disillusionment with all the things to come.

 I don't think my life is bad. It's just not the life I would have dreamed of. I yearned for independence and to help people. Somehow, I became dependent on others and grew alarmed with the diversity of other people. Like a devil and an angel on my shoulders, my brain has arguments about the world I live in.

Can everyone else really be as idiotic as they make themselves appear? "No," the other side says, " they just have a different worldview". Is our view of the world too small or too large? Regardless of the technology and information that surrounds us every moment, it seems as though the majority of people willingly wear blinders. What is so scary about their peripheral vision? Oh, yeah, all the other people that think differently. Once, I wanted to effect changes in the world. I do remember that being a common theme throughout my coming of age. I've come to realize the fighting will never work... Not on people with tunnel vision.

When you're young the world is so small. It feels like one big, unhappy family, living in a small house. It's easy to surmise that if we put aside our differences, we could figure out a way to either expand the house or build everyone their own. Then you realize the house is Earth and you can't put an addition onto a planet. Ok, so why can't we work out the problems?

 Because Babel ain't got shit on us. There are so many different languages that make the world keep spinning. I'm speaking of culture, religion and politics. Discovering that there was so much more to those topics than I'd heard of growing up was a huge revelation when I was 11-12 years old. Then the terrorist attacks on 9/11 really showed me the extremes of the world. The religion, the politics, the change of culture, the change of media. The mere fact that someone could... That an entire group, albeit it relatively small, could hate that much... Kill thousands of innocents and that the affect would be my own people responding with such hate towards more innocents because of their religion and race and two wars...

 It was astounding, inexplicable and numbing. This was the start of my insatiable curiosity. I started reading. I started to watch the news(all wrong back then). I started to form opinions. I don't know what other 12 year olds were thinking then. What secret paths they were taking that would shape them for the rest of their lives, but I hope that whatever they were doing felt as amazing as what I went through.

At the time it felt like a slow journey. Time does move so slow when the only way to judge time is by the last 10 years of your short life and summer vacations. I don't wish to be a teenager again. The learning curve was too painful. I do wish I could feel excited again. I want to feel the rush of discovery. The feeling of being all alone in my head and the feeling of belonging when I found others like me.

 The biggest topic that confused, scared and occupied my mind the most was religion. My mother was Lutheran and my dad was just Christian. We never went to church except for baptisms and weddings, the rare Easter or Christmas. By 12 I was already debating my father about the existence of God. I found the topic dangerous and titillating. He found me arrogant and annoying. Showing this with a slap once at the dinner table. I eventually stopped debating him when I noticed him become more zealous. Nothing too extreme. He was just suddenly praying all the time before work, before bed, before supper, talking about Jesus more and watching a televangelist. Not having grown up with this, I didn't know how to act or what the boundaries were. Hence, the slap after saying "A man" instead of "amen".

Anyways, within less than a year I was agnostic. I stayed that way for a long time and turned my attention to war and politics. I grew up during the Clinton and Bush years. Bush started wars, so I couldn't be a republican. Remember, I thought we should try getting along. How can you fight for world peace? I paid attention to politics when things still seemed normal. There seemed to be some difference between the parties then. Or, actually, very little difference. That would all change soon enough with Tea Party politics. I actually went to a Tea Party rally in 2008. It was at a nice lakeside park in Syracuse, NY. We talked about less government, more freedoms, repealing the patriot act, read parts of the constitution. Good times... At that point I knew I leaned left, but I thought maybe the Tea Party was a moderate voice of reason. A side that would collaborate and listen, help make the peace I yearned for in peaceful ways. Like passing common sense laws and voting on things. I also went to see Ralph Nader speak that month. It was his last presidential run, so I guess it was a worthwhile anecdote.... Yawn.

Well, history is still unfolding for the Tea Party, but once the republicans get on board we all know the shit storm that followed. As I write this, republicans are voting for the 37th time to repeal Obamacare( and that's just the House of Representatives), attacks of civil liberties abound, the media is trying to create a scandal around(what I assume) were uncontrollable events in Libya and the IRS doing its job, and we are still wading through the floodwaters of a recession that just won't receded fast enough. It's tiring. A lot of people just don't care. No one agrees. When touchy subjects come up we speak with anger and ad libs. We use words we hear coming at us from the media and scatter tid bits of ideas we think we agree with all around. Like throwing rotted corn on the ground, hoping for a good harvest next election time. The heart, soul and faith have left us. We don't trust our government, we don't trust corporations, we don't trust our employers or peers.

 I don't have any faith in the generation after mine, either. We're only separated by a couple years, but for half my life I didn't have cable or Internet, I had to ask permission to use the house phone, I didn't have lots of video games, I typed reports for school on a Brother electric typewriter and recorded songs off the radio onto a cassette tape. TV bored me. I either read a book or went outside and jumped off things. Things weren't that much harder, but there was more accountability. I couldn't anonymously scream at strangers on the Internet, I couldn't sext my boyfriend, I didn't have all the knowledge in the world(or Wikipedia) at my fingertips, there was no autocorrect.

I am grateful for the Internet though. I did eventually find communities of people I fit in with. At the same time, those people had the potential to be so insanely different than me, outside of our common ground. Anyways, if I hadn't found those groups, I would have felt lonely and ashamed.... My curiosity might have simmered down. It has died down a bit....

I miss it... I miss all the beautiful beginnings... Those are the memory makers. Falling in love or lust with someone, finding inspiring content that actually changes your views, heartbreak, contentment, discovering your talents, discovering the band that is so you, learning to drive, getting to know your parents as an adult, losing your virginity, moving away from home, seeing the ocean for the first time and tasting the salt on your lips... Realizing that the salt tastes horrible... It all seems to die down.

Right now, all I can envision for the next 40 years is complacency and resentment at "everyone else". I hope I can make some beautiful endings too, because 40 years of complacency is a shitty dream.

An old man... Unfinished

Warner picked up his keys from the counter and looked around the kitchen.
"Did I forget anything? Hmm". For a second he forgot where he was going.

To the hardware store.

He needed to buy some caulk to fix the tub.

Warner looked around for his keys. After lifting several piles of papers with one hand, and opening a drawer, he felt them in the other. He patted his back right pocket for his wallet and his head for his glasses. Satisfied he walked out the door, leaving his wallet on the table and forgetting to lock the door.

Once on the road, in his dark green truck, he took a right and headed into town.

Death or Something

I feel death circling
A great black shadow
A plain shroud trailing behind
Ready for any man, woman or child
Hold your breath
And ready your tears
Find your mourning clothes
Cover the mirrors

Whether you quiver within your walls
Or under open skies
There's no way to camouflage yourself


Better to use your last breaths digging your own grave than to live vicarious and ignorant.