Amy's Mystery Solved

Today feels so surreal. I feel like I found out someone died. Only she isn't dead. Today, my sister Amy finally told the family that she has AIDS. Throughout all these years of speculation I never let myself believe that AIDS was the reason she was so sick. I was optimistic and firmly thought she would get better. I thought that if she had AIDS she would tell us. I'm just happy she finally told our mom. I wish I was there to comfort her, to take care of her. How can my mom handle knowing that her oldest baby has a horrible disease like this? I don't even know how I'm handling it. I keep crying and then looking up stuff about it, life expectancies and such. I get a little hopeful. People can live a lot longer now with proper treatment. Amy says she got it from her husband John(who's shady death we now know was from AIDS). If Amy got it the year they got married, that means she's had HIV/AIDS for 11 years. We're all worried that her two youngest may have gotten it when she was pregnant with them. There is still a lot we don't know. A lot she may never tell us. While looking up life expectancies, people with AIDS that are receiving proper treatments can live 20-30 years after diagnosis. But there are many factors. Age, general health, lifestyle... Amy is 41, she's definitely not healthy. She can barely eat because of her medications. She couldn't make it up the short flight of stairs to her own apartment today, she was so out of breath. The way my mom described it, Amy sounded like an old lady.I don't know who to talk to. Strangely, talking to my own family would be too hard. At least over the phone. I think I really want to talk to my dad. He is the one person I can tell anything to. That I can cry to. He never judges and has a level head. I want to give my parents some space right now, though. I almost was the one to tell my brother about Amy. Thank goodness my parents answered when he called them. I don't know if I could have even gotten the words out.

I feel kind of torn right now. I want to go home for my family, but she's not dying... I don't think she's dying. She would probably be pissed if I showed up anyway, haha...  I don't know... I'll have to talk to Amy I guess. See if she can give me the answers I need.

Just something I wrote while trying to fall asleep

"What will the story be? A sweeping romance? A story of high climaxes and grand conclusions? Or not, maybe just a dead end tale full of grand illusions. Coming of age? Confusion? The story of my life, or maybe the story of a life I can't even bring myself to dream of... Putting those wishes down in words makes the loss of something I'll never have all the more painful. It's a stupid, self indulgent thing. Yes, go ahead, feed the beast. Forget that you have a life to yet live. Limit your self. How foolish that you can't even pretend. So, as it is, there is no story. Even the blank pages aren't poetic in this sense, just a drab reminder of a life not being lived. A life spent staring at walls, and monitors. Waiting for a wisp of brilliance. That one moment when all becomes clear and it is your moment to shine. That focus won't come. No matter how much coffee you drink or cigarettes you puff. Devote yourself to the people you love, but see if that fulfills you. Waste all your energy on their life. No, that's not what you do. You feed off it."

Sometimes, I just hurt for the world. I don't much care about my role in it. I don't think I can change it... But, I can't ignore all the bad. I'm supposed to think of all the good things in the world, all the joy... But how does that make anything better? Even if I am good and I help and I try to change things... How will that help. These are the times when I really wish a god did exist. Who the hell do I pray to? I can wish and hope and send my thoughts until my eyes bleed and my throat is raw. Without a name, a being to call out to, it doesn't mean shit. And it really doesn't. My oldest sister is in the hospital right now. With meningitis. She's been in for over a week. What the hell can I do? I'm a thousand miles away. Say a prayer? Um... No. Can't ask for help with those either. I can't send money, because her oldest son would steal it. I can't help watch her kids, can't really go back to Wisconsin.... I really hope she'll be ok, and that she'll pull through like all the other times. But how many more times is this going to happen? Why does she have to suffer? And my nieces and nephews? What did they ever do to deserve it? Here I am, in beautiful, sunny Florida... I was having such a good time, I forgot she was in the hospital.. I am ashamed. Even if I was in Wisconsin,there would be nothing for me to do either. So I just have to sit it out, wait, and hope that her doctors know what they are doing.

Random Babble Time

I'm watching the Daily Show. Jon Stewart is almost cool enough to be my hero. I'm only blogging because I haven't in awhile. I have things to say, but I can't think of how to write it. I should be sleeping right now. I talked to my friend Aaron Lennop tonight. We had some fun bitching about the government. I don't get to talk about that stuff that much anymore. Hmm... And I also talked to the boy tonight... I didn't get to talk to him yesterday because the generators went out. He'll be back soon. I almost can't believe it. It's been so long, and I... I think I'm a little scared. I might know why, but I don't want to write it down. I can keep some things to myself. Fall is almost here. I can smell it and feel it in the air at night. On Monday we are supposed to have a high of 65. Mmm... Sweater weather! I love how happy Autumn makes me. I'm getting sick of the words I use all the time. Unfortunately, I use love and hate too much. Some others:

well
suppose
it makes me sad(it really doesn't. normally it disgusts me)
I
think

and many, many, many more... Maybe I'll make a list when I'm at work on Monday. Unless we actually have some work to do.

I like my job. I do assembly at Mercury Marine. I make transoms for stern drives. I had to look up what the heck that even meant, haha! I don't know anything about boating, except for what I learned from Titanic. I know starboard and port, and prow, stern, fore and aft... Mostly, descriptive directionals. We haven't had much to do so far because this assembly line is being moved up here from Oklahoma. We have been standing around a lot, waiting for parts. I sometimes hide behind some racks and read a couple pages of my book. One day I made snowflakes for the southerners I work with. They are so worried about Winter!! It's hilarious!

Having this three day weekend is really strange to me already. I've only had this job for three weeks, now. I anticipate the next couple paychecks because then I can really start paying things off!! I'm so ready to put all my stupid debt behind me. It never would have been an issue if I hadn't depended on someone else. If I hadn't thrown away my own goals and life to be with someone. It's my weakness. I'm always looking for an escape. Stability is a prison to me. Things chain me. The only freedom is the love and companionship of the people I love. I'm already held back by my own fears and depressions. I deal with a lack of confidence and can't seem to talk to people and make sense. I know it's not because I'm anti-social, or lack anything. The rest of the world seems to have stopped thinking.

Innuendo is dead.
Wit is sick.
Creativity is anemic.
and Feelings are dulled. 

Humans aren't... human... I'm starting to see that everyone is not what I thought they would be when I was growing up. I looked up to, still pretty much do, engineers, scientists, doctors, people in suits and nice cars... I thought they were special, I thought they were the people who made the world run.
It was a nice illusion. Those types? They're all people too. They are petty and mean and close minded. Prejudiced, blind and egotistical.

I guess higher education doesn't really get you anything but a bigger paycheck.  It doesn't instantly make you a critical thinker, reasonable and clear headed. There is no light bulb waiting to be turned on. No one is running down the streets shouting "Eureka!". I wonder if anyone ever did? I said in a former post that people have always been this way. Maybe I'm right about something?

A Common Condition

After my last post about complaining, I did not foresee myself writing about the subject again. However, I feel as though I have been bombarded by complaints ever since. Real, imagined, and just plain pointless are the things I have been seeing. Most are aimed at anonymous groups of "others". As though the whole world is at fault. Everything must be wrong in the world if so many feel they have to speak out about the most trivial of things. "To err is human, to forgive is divine" said Alexander Pope some 300 years ago. Have truer words been spoken? I am not religious in any way, but what happened to the Golden Rule?

It hurts me. It really does. Maybe I feel too much, maybe I'm dramatic. So many people seem to be disgusted with everyone else. What makes them think that they are so right? How can they possibly judge? Even children know that everyone makes mistakes. They know that not everyone is as smart. They also know that they aren't the best and the smartest out there. If those generalizations are not true, please, bring me a self-righteous child who is unwilling to change their mind.

I hear so many generalizations about people abusing welfare, people drinking, people being bloody "stupid". I just want everyone to shut. up.

How can one judge a mother? How can someone judge another's intelligence? How do you choose who is wrong for this world? And who told you everything was going to be fine?

There are so many proverbs about people in glass houses and pointing fingers. When did the world stop listening?

I just want to say: People have always been this way.  Actually, if you look back through history, we are so much better off than we've ever been. In the Western world we are half civilized. There are serious problems in society. But how long everyone going to sit on their lazy ass, watching TV, or browsing the internet before they finally take a damn stand, and DO SOMETHING.

Quit your bitching.

*Yes, I am aware of the hypocritical nature of this post. That is why it is titled "A Common Condition".

Sleeplessness

Questions lead to more questions
At unparalleled speeds
And a frenetic pacing behind my eyes...
Punctuation is carving away at reality
Half formed ideas slip a w a y . . . . . . . . .

What Gives You The Right To Complain?

Seriously? We all listen to complaints. We all have them. But what makes anyone's problems more worthy of hearing? It seems common, that while complaining, the plaintiff has a superiority complex. As if the simple fact that they are stating their problems makes their problems the greatest in the whole world. Obviously, that isn't the case 99% of the time. Yeah, I just made up that statistic.
Anyways, I'm not writing to complain about whiny people. That would make me a huge hypocrite. I'm writing to try and understand empathy, or the lack of it, when someone starts to tell you their problems. I always try to see others' perspectives, but find myself apathetic sometimes. Mostly when someone else is in pain. We've all been in pain. And sometimes, you just want to tell someone to stop being a crybaby. The next time I'm in pain, though, I do want someone to listen to me and emphasize. And I believe most people think that by not talking about pain, etc., it means you are stronger. But are complainers weak? Everyone is always searching for the people that will listen to their most juvenile complaints.

And, as often happens, I realized that this post is going nowhere, and that I've said all I've got to say.

It comes down to this: When do you feel you've overstepped your bounds when complaining. Call it what you will- Sharing a story, describing a bad experience, relationships, pain, anxiety... When is it ok and when should you "man up"? Is it possible to share a bad experience without someone else labeling it complaining?