I'm going to do a bit of free writing here.... I don't have a cohesive thought right now. Maybe I've been watching too much TV or been on the internet too long today. I wish those activities were more inspiring to me. Aaron and I went on a boat ride tonight in the harbor and bay. It was really tranquil. It was nice to get off the crowded streets of the town and look for dolphins and watch the sunset. Things seem to be shaping up in year 25.
I was somewhat torn about turning this age. I know there is no reason; that it's just a number. But it seems like a number where you can't be immature anymore. I don't necessarily mean in the bad ways. I guess... I feel like now I can't make any more mistakes. I should be done fucking around with my life by now. I am not ready for that. All the mistakes I may make now will (maybe) be more real and carry more weight. How they can carry more weight than the fuck ups I've had in the past, I don't know. I've been trying to focus on the positive. Let the past go. It's hard when I feel like I've been stuck in it for the past 10 years. Because 10 years ago is when I started to become me. Who am I now?
I'm certainly not the shy, awkward creature I was when I was 15. I definitely have more confidence. I've gained the ability to call "bullshit" when necessary. I've got experience. I've traveled and learned and met people.... And I've made and lost friends and lovers and family.... I've been the kind of person that focuses on what I've lost and that certainly isn't how I imagined I would think when I was younger. I've been this way since forever it feels. That's the problem. I haven't always been this way. I must've been a happy, carefree person at some point in my life. I never heard anyone call me an old soul or say I was wise beyond my years.
So... Why? Why would I want to focus on the things and people I no longer have? Is there any way to change how I view my life? I don't want to become super positive and cheery. Those kinds of people have always seemed strange to me. Those people that believe everything will be alright. I'm not a die-hard pessimist. I am at a point where I think I can say "everything is going ok".
But god damn there is still that lingering fear, the feeling that I have to knock on wood.... The future scares the living shit out of me. Especially right now when I have no plans for it. The only concrete plan I have for the future is going to Disney World in late August. I hate it. I'm a planner and a thinker. I need something.
Living day to day like this is a lot like living week to week on paychecks. If I lose something I'm fucked.Speaking of, I am living week to week on my Kohl's wages. I guess things are going good there. I've been getting more hours because it's back-to-school season here, already. I actually work 3- 8 hour days in a row next weekend. But of course I get 3 days off before it and 4 days off after. I'll see if I can pick up a shift or two. It's easy money, but it is far from rewarding. I miss making something.
I'm almost done with the blanket I've been crocheting for almost a year. I'm working on the border right now. It's harder than I thought it would be.
So... Anyways, I'm still procrastinating, my house is a little more organized, I'm broke most times, I'm fed and normally the roof doesn't leak and I'm living in Florida with a pretty awesome dude.
Life's ok.
July 29, 2013
May 17, 2013
Beautiful Beginnings
My life isn't what I thought it would be. I never knew what I even wanted it to be. The last time I remember making grand plans, or even dreaming about my adult life, must've been around 4th grade. Soon after that the indecisiveness that seems to define my adult life set in. The pessimism, the laziness and the general disillusionment with all the things to come.
I don't think my life is bad. It's just not the life I would have dreamed of. I yearned for independence and to help people. Somehow, I became dependent on others and grew alarmed with the diversity of other people. Like a devil and an angel on my shoulders, my brain has arguments about the world I live in.
Can everyone else really be as idiotic as they make themselves appear? "No," the other side says, " they just have a different worldview". Is our view of the world too small or too large? Regardless of the technology and information that surrounds us every moment, it seems as though the majority of people willingly wear blinders. What is so scary about their peripheral vision? Oh, yeah, all the other people that think differently. Once, I wanted to effect changes in the world. I do remember that being a common theme throughout my coming of age. I've come to realize the fighting will never work... Not on people with tunnel vision.
When you're young the world is so small. It feels like one big, unhappy family, living in a small house. It's easy to surmise that if we put aside our differences, we could figure out a way to either expand the house or build everyone their own. Then you realize the house is Earth and you can't put an addition onto a planet. Ok, so why can't we work out the problems?
Because Babel ain't got shit on us. There are so many different languages that make the world keep spinning. I'm speaking of culture, religion and politics. Discovering that there was so much more to those topics than I'd heard of growing up was a huge revelation when I was 11-12 years old. Then the terrorist attacks on 9/11 really showed me the extremes of the world. The religion, the politics, the change of culture, the change of media. The mere fact that someone could... That an entire group, albeit it relatively small, could hate that much... Kill thousands of innocents and that the affect would be my own people responding with such hate towards more innocents because of their religion and race and two wars...
It was astounding, inexplicable and numbing. This was the start of my insatiable curiosity. I started reading. I started to watch the news(all wrong back then). I started to form opinions. I don't know what other 12 year olds were thinking then. What secret paths they were taking that would shape them for the rest of their lives, but I hope that whatever they were doing felt as amazing as what I went through.
At the time it felt like a slow journey. Time does move so slow when the only way to judge time is by the last 10 years of your short life and summer vacations. I don't wish to be a teenager again. The learning curve was too painful. I do wish I could feel excited again. I want to feel the rush of discovery. The feeling of being all alone in my head and the feeling of belonging when I found others like me.
The biggest topic that confused, scared and occupied my mind the most was religion. My mother was Lutheran and my dad was just Christian. We never went to church except for baptisms and weddings, the rare Easter or Christmas. By 12 I was already debating my father about the existence of God. I found the topic dangerous and titillating. He found me arrogant and annoying. Showing this with a slap once at the dinner table. I eventually stopped debating him when I noticed him become more zealous. Nothing too extreme. He was just suddenly praying all the time before work, before bed, before supper, talking about Jesus more and watching a televangelist. Not having grown up with this, I didn't know how to act or what the boundaries were. Hence, the slap after saying "A man" instead of "amen".
Anyways, within less than a year I was agnostic. I stayed that way for a long time and turned my attention to war and politics. I grew up during the Clinton and Bush years. Bush started wars, so I couldn't be a republican. Remember, I thought we should try getting along. How can you fight for world peace? I paid attention to politics when things still seemed normal. There seemed to be some difference between the parties then. Or, actually, very little difference. That would all change soon enough with Tea Party politics. I actually went to a Tea Party rally in 2008. It was at a nice lakeside park in Syracuse, NY. We talked about less government, more freedoms, repealing the patriot act, read parts of the constitution. Good times... At that point I knew I leaned left, but I thought maybe the Tea Party was a moderate voice of reason. A side that would collaborate and listen, help make the peace I yearned for in peaceful ways. Like passing common sense laws and voting on things. I also went to see Ralph Nader speak that month. It was his last presidential run, so I guess it was a worthwhile anecdote.... Yawn.
Well, history is still unfolding for the Tea Party, but once the republicans get on board we all know the shit storm that followed. As I write this, republicans are voting for the 37th time to repeal Obamacare( and that's just the House of Representatives), attacks of civil liberties abound, the media is trying to create a scandal around(what I assume) were uncontrollable events in Libya and the IRS doing its job, and we are still wading through the floodwaters of a recession that just won't receded fast enough. It's tiring. A lot of people just don't care. No one agrees. When touchy subjects come up we speak with anger and ad libs. We use words we hear coming at us from the media and scatter tid bits of ideas we think we agree with all around. Like throwing rotted corn on the ground, hoping for a good harvest next election time. The heart, soul and faith have left us. We don't trust our government, we don't trust corporations, we don't trust our employers or peers.
I don't have any faith in the generation after mine, either. We're only separated by a couple years, but for half my life I didn't have cable or Internet, I had to ask permission to use the house phone, I didn't have lots of video games, I typed reports for school on a Brother electric typewriter and recorded songs off the radio onto a cassette tape. TV bored me. I either read a book or went outside and jumped off things. Things weren't that much harder, but there was more accountability. I couldn't anonymously scream at strangers on the Internet, I couldn't sext my boyfriend, I didn't have all the knowledge in the world(or Wikipedia) at my fingertips, there was no autocorrect.
I am grateful for the Internet though. I did eventually find communities of people I fit in with. At the same time, those people had the potential to be so insanely different than me, outside of our common ground. Anyways, if I hadn't found those groups, I would have felt lonely and ashamed.... My curiosity might have simmered down. It has died down a bit....
I miss it... I miss all the beautiful beginnings... Those are the memory makers. Falling in love or lust with someone, finding inspiring content that actually changes your views, heartbreak, contentment, discovering your talents, discovering the band that is so you, learning to drive, getting to know your parents as an adult, losing your virginity, moving away from home, seeing the ocean for the first time and tasting the salt on your lips... Realizing that the salt tastes horrible... It all seems to die down.
Right now, all I can envision for the next 40 years is complacency and resentment at "everyone else". I hope I can make some beautiful endings too, because 40 years of complacency is a shitty dream.
I don't think my life is bad. It's just not the life I would have dreamed of. I yearned for independence and to help people. Somehow, I became dependent on others and grew alarmed with the diversity of other people. Like a devil and an angel on my shoulders, my brain has arguments about the world I live in.
Can everyone else really be as idiotic as they make themselves appear? "No," the other side says, " they just have a different worldview". Is our view of the world too small or too large? Regardless of the technology and information that surrounds us every moment, it seems as though the majority of people willingly wear blinders. What is so scary about their peripheral vision? Oh, yeah, all the other people that think differently. Once, I wanted to effect changes in the world. I do remember that being a common theme throughout my coming of age. I've come to realize the fighting will never work... Not on people with tunnel vision.
When you're young the world is so small. It feels like one big, unhappy family, living in a small house. It's easy to surmise that if we put aside our differences, we could figure out a way to either expand the house or build everyone their own. Then you realize the house is Earth and you can't put an addition onto a planet. Ok, so why can't we work out the problems?
Because Babel ain't got shit on us. There are so many different languages that make the world keep spinning. I'm speaking of culture, religion and politics. Discovering that there was so much more to those topics than I'd heard of growing up was a huge revelation when I was 11-12 years old. Then the terrorist attacks on 9/11 really showed me the extremes of the world. The religion, the politics, the change of culture, the change of media. The mere fact that someone could... That an entire group, albeit it relatively small, could hate that much... Kill thousands of innocents and that the affect would be my own people responding with such hate towards more innocents because of their religion and race and two wars...
It was astounding, inexplicable and numbing. This was the start of my insatiable curiosity. I started reading. I started to watch the news(all wrong back then). I started to form opinions. I don't know what other 12 year olds were thinking then. What secret paths they were taking that would shape them for the rest of their lives, but I hope that whatever they were doing felt as amazing as what I went through.
At the time it felt like a slow journey. Time does move so slow when the only way to judge time is by the last 10 years of your short life and summer vacations. I don't wish to be a teenager again. The learning curve was too painful. I do wish I could feel excited again. I want to feel the rush of discovery. The feeling of being all alone in my head and the feeling of belonging when I found others like me.
The biggest topic that confused, scared and occupied my mind the most was religion. My mother was Lutheran and my dad was just Christian. We never went to church except for baptisms and weddings, the rare Easter or Christmas. By 12 I was already debating my father about the existence of God. I found the topic dangerous and titillating. He found me arrogant and annoying. Showing this with a slap once at the dinner table. I eventually stopped debating him when I noticed him become more zealous. Nothing too extreme. He was just suddenly praying all the time before work, before bed, before supper, talking about Jesus more and watching a televangelist. Not having grown up with this, I didn't know how to act or what the boundaries were. Hence, the slap after saying "A man" instead of "amen".
Anyways, within less than a year I was agnostic. I stayed that way for a long time and turned my attention to war and politics. I grew up during the Clinton and Bush years. Bush started wars, so I couldn't be a republican. Remember, I thought we should try getting along. How can you fight for world peace? I paid attention to politics when things still seemed normal. There seemed to be some difference between the parties then. Or, actually, very little difference. That would all change soon enough with Tea Party politics. I actually went to a Tea Party rally in 2008. It was at a nice lakeside park in Syracuse, NY. We talked about less government, more freedoms, repealing the patriot act, read parts of the constitution. Good times... At that point I knew I leaned left, but I thought maybe the Tea Party was a moderate voice of reason. A side that would collaborate and listen, help make the peace I yearned for in peaceful ways. Like passing common sense laws and voting on things. I also went to see Ralph Nader speak that month. It was his last presidential run, so I guess it was a worthwhile anecdote.... Yawn.
Well, history is still unfolding for the Tea Party, but once the republicans get on board we all know the shit storm that followed. As I write this, republicans are voting for the 37th time to repeal Obamacare( and that's just the House of Representatives), attacks of civil liberties abound, the media is trying to create a scandal around(what I assume) were uncontrollable events in Libya and the IRS doing its job, and we are still wading through the floodwaters of a recession that just won't receded fast enough. It's tiring. A lot of people just don't care. No one agrees. When touchy subjects come up we speak with anger and ad libs. We use words we hear coming at us from the media and scatter tid bits of ideas we think we agree with all around. Like throwing rotted corn on the ground, hoping for a good harvest next election time. The heart, soul and faith have left us. We don't trust our government, we don't trust corporations, we don't trust our employers or peers.
I don't have any faith in the generation after mine, either. We're only separated by a couple years, but for half my life I didn't have cable or Internet, I had to ask permission to use the house phone, I didn't have lots of video games, I typed reports for school on a Brother electric typewriter and recorded songs off the radio onto a cassette tape. TV bored me. I either read a book or went outside and jumped off things. Things weren't that much harder, but there was more accountability. I couldn't anonymously scream at strangers on the Internet, I couldn't sext my boyfriend, I didn't have all the knowledge in the world(or Wikipedia) at my fingertips, there was no autocorrect.
I am grateful for the Internet though. I did eventually find communities of people I fit in with. At the same time, those people had the potential to be so insanely different than me, outside of our common ground. Anyways, if I hadn't found those groups, I would have felt lonely and ashamed.... My curiosity might have simmered down. It has died down a bit....
I miss it... I miss all the beautiful beginnings... Those are the memory makers. Falling in love or lust with someone, finding inspiring content that actually changes your views, heartbreak, contentment, discovering your talents, discovering the band that is so you, learning to drive, getting to know your parents as an adult, losing your virginity, moving away from home, seeing the ocean for the first time and tasting the salt on your lips... Realizing that the salt tastes horrible... It all seems to die down.
Right now, all I can envision for the next 40 years is complacency and resentment at "everyone else". I hope I can make some beautiful endings too, because 40 years of complacency is a shitty dream.
An old man... Unfinished
Warner picked up his keys from the counter and looked around the kitchen.
"Did I forget anything? Hmm". For a second he forgot where he was going.
To the hardware store.
He needed to buy some caulk to fix the tub.
Warner looked around for his keys. After lifting several piles of papers with one hand, and opening a drawer, he felt them in the other. He patted his back right pocket for his wallet and his head for his glasses. Satisfied he walked out the door, leaving his wallet on the table and forgetting to lock the door.
Once on the road, in his dark green truck, he took a right and headed into town.
"Did I forget anything? Hmm". For a second he forgot where he was going.
To the hardware store.
He needed to buy some caulk to fix the tub.
Warner looked around for his keys. After lifting several piles of papers with one hand, and opening a drawer, he felt them in the other. He patted his back right pocket for his wallet and his head for his glasses. Satisfied he walked out the door, leaving his wallet on the table and forgetting to lock the door.
Once on the road, in his dark green truck, he took a right and headed into town.
Death or Something
I feel death circling
A great black shadow
A plain shroud trailing behind
Ready for any man, woman or child
Hold your breath
And ready your tears
Find your mourning clothes
Cover the mirrors
Whether you quiver within your walls
Or under open skies
There's no way to camouflage yourself
Better to use your last breaths digging your own grave than to live vicarious and ignorant.
A great black shadow
A plain shroud trailing behind
Ready for any man, woman or child
Hold your breath
And ready your tears
Find your mourning clothes
Cover the mirrors
Whether you quiver within your walls
Or under open skies
There's no way to camouflage yourself
Better to use your last breaths digging your own grave than to live vicarious and ignorant.
January 11, 2013
phew...
Well, everything since that last post has been fine. I was kinda crazy to post it, but damn did I feel better afterwards. That morning l talked to Aaron about it all. He stopped talking to that woman immediately. I love him.
After that we were on a nonstop course until we got to Wisconsin. I never expected our trip to be so hectic! It was good and very full filling. Freaking cold though. Brrr! For the first time ever it felt good to leave Wisconsin. What really warmed my heart was when Aaron said, out of nowhere, " I can't wait until it's just us again" :)
Now that we're back, I realized how much I hate my job. There isn't much bad about it, exactly.
I get less than 20 hours a week, my coworkers are uninteresting, and the actually work is so easy a child could do it. So, I'm starting to look for a new/second job. I really don't want to start this crap again, though...
I guess that's all for now.
After that we were on a nonstop course until we got to Wisconsin. I never expected our trip to be so hectic! It was good and very full filling. Freaking cold though. Brrr! For the first time ever it felt good to leave Wisconsin. What really warmed my heart was when Aaron said, out of nowhere, " I can't wait until it's just us again" :)
Now that we're back, I realized how much I hate my job. There isn't much bad about it, exactly.
I get less than 20 hours a week, my coworkers are uninteresting, and the actually work is so easy a child could do it. So, I'm starting to look for a new/second job. I really don't want to start this crap again, though...
I guess that's all for now.
December 3, 2012
Finally, someone in my family got put in the loony bin.
Well, my niece Mariah got sent to the nuthouse. It must've been on Friday. I just found out today. Mariah was talking suicide and someone told the police. So, there she went. Hopefully she gets some help. They actually took her off some pills she was on. That's good because a side effect of anti-depressants is suicidal thought. Especially in teens. I don't know why she was ever put on them. Who knows how those pills mess with a growing brain? It looks like she'll get to go home tomorrow. Anyways, my mom mentioned it offhand today right befor I had to go to work, and her phone kept cutting out. So I didn't get to talk about it. I stewed and felt like shit while working. Thankfully, I was working with Amy, and she loves to talk. So I got to unload on her, and she gave me a hug :) I think I felt the worst about not being told. It's so hard for me. To go from living with my parents, and close to everyone. I knew everything right away. These days I find out stuff days after it happens. The oddest thing was that everyone Julie told actually kept it to themselves. Bryan knew, and didn't tell my parents. Gina knew, and didn't tell my parents, or Bryan. Even though they both knew. Lisa knew and told no one which is not surprising. She doesn't talk too much about things other than her kids. Anyways I felt excluded, and then felt like crap because I was feeling so petty. I hate my brain sometimes. I did talk to Julie though. It was nice to hear it from her. And I talked to Amy, and mom, and with Gina for a few seconds. So, Mariah's depression gave me a chance to talk to my siblings. There is a silver lining to everything, haha!
Nothing much has changed. My nephew Tyler sent me a little paper guy named Flat Stanley. I have to take him place and write/take pictures of what we do :) I want to wake up early tomorrow and take him somewhere. The beach for sure. I need to get a stick to attach him to. That way I can put him in the sand.
Aaron is coming home in a week! I'm so excited! He is so amazing and wonderful! I sense that our relationship with be changing soon, but shhhh! Don't tell anyone :) I'm really happy this year will be ending on a good note. It's had it's ups and downs and plateaus. I'll be excited for 2013! I don't like knowing that I'll only be spending half of it with my love, but I'll deal with it when I have to. Bryan's wedding is in June, so I have that to look forward to. It's gonna suck going by myself, but maybe I'll have a friend I can drag along.
Work is work. I make donuts. It's probably one of the most boring jobs ever. I'm going to start applying for a second or different job soon. Retail is probably out, since it will be after Christmas. Maybe the perfect job is out there for me.... Somewhere.... I'm thinking about starting school in the fall. It can't hurt to do some classes while Aaron is deployed. I'm sick of being stuck in a rut, and feeling dumb for not trying.
I can't wait to be home.
Nothing much has changed. My nephew Tyler sent me a little paper guy named Flat Stanley. I have to take him place and write/take pictures of what we do :) I want to wake up early tomorrow and take him somewhere. The beach for sure. I need to get a stick to attach him to. That way I can put him in the sand.
Aaron is coming home in a week! I'm so excited! He is so amazing and wonderful! I sense that our relationship with be changing soon, but shhhh! Don't tell anyone :) I'm really happy this year will be ending on a good note. It's had it's ups and downs and plateaus. I'll be excited for 2013! I don't like knowing that I'll only be spending half of it with my love, but I'll deal with it when I have to. Bryan's wedding is in June, so I have that to look forward to. It's gonna suck going by myself, but maybe I'll have a friend I can drag along.
Work is work. I make donuts. It's probably one of the most boring jobs ever. I'm going to start applying for a second or different job soon. Retail is probably out, since it will be after Christmas. Maybe the perfect job is out there for me.... Somewhere.... I'm thinking about starting school in the fall. It can't hurt to do some classes while Aaron is deployed. I'm sick of being stuck in a rut, and feeling dumb for not trying.
I can't wait to be home.
November 6, 2012
Election day!
Go vote!
I've been thinking of writing on here for awhile. My sole reader just updated, so now I feel the pressure. I've had some things on my mind.
I've recently been killing time on a site called Reddit. It's got funny content and interesting content, and a lot of cats. But I made an account and comment on some things. The other night I shared a story about a time I drank and drove. It was on a link about daylight savings time, and literally the only story I have about DST. Someone else made a comment about having an extra hour out at the bars, and I said it was better than forgetting and having the bars close early when you're drunk. I added some more detail. Pretty much I drove home drunk and blacked out for a couple minutes while driving home. I didn't expect anyone else to even see my comment. But the responses I got were pretty much along the line of "fuck off, you're a horrible person, I hate you". I understand why someone would come to that conclusion. But I tried to explain that it was just an anecdote. That it was something that happened in the past and that I don't drink and drive anymore.
This got me thinking about how people think about things they read. I was telling a story that was a couple years old. I didn't hurt anyone. I learned from my mistake. Yet, I was still judged and branded a shitty person. Why? Why are people so quick to judge? Especially on the Internet when they have no clue what the other person is like? Do they do it because it's easy? Because they feel self-righteous? I try not to do this. And I think that the way I used to be, and the mistakes I've made have helped me be so tolerant. I don't understand how anyone can be so sure of everything. How is it possible to think you are so much better or morally right, than someone else? Maybe part of it is religion. I'm sure that when people decided they are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Baha'i, Mormon, Jehovah's Witness, whatever, they narrow their acceptance of different beliefs. It's not just religion. Anyone that pigeon holes themselves will irrationally dislike people different than them. Based on the silliest little details that they learn about others. Ok, so I drank and drove once. I never did it again. I learned my lesson. People like to hate on things that don't fit their view of right and wrong in the world. When they hear of people going against their beliefs they stop thinking about that person as a whole. They stop. They see the mistakes. Why? Why are people so intolerant? At what point do people stop believing that people can change, in rehabilitation, in personal growth?
Hell, when I first moved to my new apartment, I was talking to one of my sisters about the neighbor that invited Aaron and I over for dinner. She asked if he was cute. I thought for a second and said that yeah, ,he kinda was. She laughed a nervous laugh and said something like "oooh". In that tone of voice that implied that I thought he was attractive and I was going to go knock on his door and have sex with him. Um... Ok... It was over a month ago, so I don't remember exactly what she said. What she implied was crystal clear, though. Of course she laughed and I didn't say anything about it. Seriously... Does my own sister think I'm such a shitty person that I'm going to cheat on Aaron? I love him, and I really believe he's the love of my life. Even if it was someone elses, or some other
circumstance... I'm never going to do that again.
I think people hear cliches about these things so often that they stop being accepting to change. "Once a cheater, always a cheater", etc, They say things like "stereotypes are true for a reason" and say that everyone they've met fits those stereotypes/cliches.
So what?
Open your mind, your heart. We are only on this earth for a short time. There is no time to hate others because you are too small minded. Take off the blinders and love one another. No matter your sex, your sexual orientation, your religion, your region, your marital staus, your upbringing, your job, your political party... You deserve to have the benefit of the doubt, some love and a chance to prove yourself... Your whole being. No one should be judged by one story.
I've been thinking of writing on here for awhile. My sole reader just updated, so now I feel the pressure. I've had some things on my mind.
I've recently been killing time on a site called Reddit. It's got funny content and interesting content, and a lot of cats. But I made an account and comment on some things. The other night I shared a story about a time I drank and drove. It was on a link about daylight savings time, and literally the only story I have about DST. Someone else made a comment about having an extra hour out at the bars, and I said it was better than forgetting and having the bars close early when you're drunk. I added some more detail. Pretty much I drove home drunk and blacked out for a couple minutes while driving home. I didn't expect anyone else to even see my comment. But the responses I got were pretty much along the line of "fuck off, you're a horrible person, I hate you". I understand why someone would come to that conclusion. But I tried to explain that it was just an anecdote. That it was something that happened in the past and that I don't drink and drive anymore.
This got me thinking about how people think about things they read. I was telling a story that was a couple years old. I didn't hurt anyone. I learned from my mistake. Yet, I was still judged and branded a shitty person. Why? Why are people so quick to judge? Especially on the Internet when they have no clue what the other person is like? Do they do it because it's easy? Because they feel self-righteous? I try not to do this. And I think that the way I used to be, and the mistakes I've made have helped me be so tolerant. I don't understand how anyone can be so sure of everything. How is it possible to think you are so much better or morally right, than someone else? Maybe part of it is religion. I'm sure that when people decided they are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Baha'i, Mormon, Jehovah's Witness, whatever, they narrow their acceptance of different beliefs. It's not just religion. Anyone that pigeon holes themselves will irrationally dislike people different than them. Based on the silliest little details that they learn about others. Ok, so I drank and drove once. I never did it again. I learned my lesson. People like to hate on things that don't fit their view of right and wrong in the world. When they hear of people going against their beliefs they stop thinking about that person as a whole. They stop. They see the mistakes. Why? Why are people so intolerant? At what point do people stop believing that people can change, in rehabilitation, in personal growth?
Hell, when I first moved to my new apartment, I was talking to one of my sisters about the neighbor that invited Aaron and I over for dinner. She asked if he was cute. I thought for a second and said that yeah, ,he kinda was. She laughed a nervous laugh and said something like "oooh". In that tone of voice that implied that I thought he was attractive and I was going to go knock on his door and have sex with him. Um... Ok... It was over a month ago, so I don't remember exactly what she said. What she implied was crystal clear, though. Of course she laughed and I didn't say anything about it. Seriously... Does my own sister think I'm such a shitty person that I'm going to cheat on Aaron? I love him, and I really believe he's the love of my life. Even if it was someone elses, or some other
circumstance... I'm never going to do that again.
I think people hear cliches about these things so often that they stop being accepting to change. "Once a cheater, always a cheater", etc, They say things like "stereotypes are true for a reason" and say that everyone they've met fits those stereotypes/cliches.
So what?
Open your mind, your heart. We are only on this earth for a short time. There is no time to hate others because you are too small minded. Take off the blinders and love one another. No matter your sex, your sexual orientation, your religion, your region, your marital staus, your upbringing, your job, your political party... You deserve to have the benefit of the doubt, some love and a chance to prove yourself... Your whole being. No one should be judged by one story.
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