Random Babble Time

I'm watching the Daily Show. Jon Stewart is almost cool enough to be my hero. I'm only blogging because I haven't in awhile. I have things to say, but I can't think of how to write it. I should be sleeping right now. I talked to my friend Aaron Lennop tonight. We had some fun bitching about the government. I don't get to talk about that stuff that much anymore. Hmm... And I also talked to the boy tonight... I didn't get to talk to him yesterday because the generators went out. He'll be back soon. I almost can't believe it. It's been so long, and I... I think I'm a little scared. I might know why, but I don't want to write it down. I can keep some things to myself. Fall is almost here. I can smell it and feel it in the air at night. On Monday we are supposed to have a high of 65. Mmm... Sweater weather! I love how happy Autumn makes me. I'm getting sick of the words I use all the time. Unfortunately, I use love and hate too much. Some others:

well
suppose
it makes me sad(it really doesn't. normally it disgusts me)
I
think

and many, many, many more... Maybe I'll make a list when I'm at work on Monday. Unless we actually have some work to do.

I like my job. I do assembly at Mercury Marine. I make transoms for stern drives. I had to look up what the heck that even meant, haha! I don't know anything about boating, except for what I learned from Titanic. I know starboard and port, and prow, stern, fore and aft... Mostly, descriptive directionals. We haven't had much to do so far because this assembly line is being moved up here from Oklahoma. We have been standing around a lot, waiting for parts. I sometimes hide behind some racks and read a couple pages of my book. One day I made snowflakes for the southerners I work with. They are so worried about Winter!! It's hilarious!

Having this three day weekend is really strange to me already. I've only had this job for three weeks, now. I anticipate the next couple paychecks because then I can really start paying things off!! I'm so ready to put all my stupid debt behind me. It never would have been an issue if I hadn't depended on someone else. If I hadn't thrown away my own goals and life to be with someone. It's my weakness. I'm always looking for an escape. Stability is a prison to me. Things chain me. The only freedom is the love and companionship of the people I love. I'm already held back by my own fears and depressions. I deal with a lack of confidence and can't seem to talk to people and make sense. I know it's not because I'm anti-social, or lack anything. The rest of the world seems to have stopped thinking.

Innuendo is dead.
Wit is sick.
Creativity is anemic.
and Feelings are dulled. 

Humans aren't... human... I'm starting to see that everyone is not what I thought they would be when I was growing up. I looked up to, still pretty much do, engineers, scientists, doctors, people in suits and nice cars... I thought they were special, I thought they were the people who made the world run.
It was a nice illusion. Those types? They're all people too. They are petty and mean and close minded. Prejudiced, blind and egotistical.

I guess higher education doesn't really get you anything but a bigger paycheck.  It doesn't instantly make you a critical thinker, reasonable and clear headed. There is no light bulb waiting to be turned on. No one is running down the streets shouting "Eureka!". I wonder if anyone ever did? I said in a former post that people have always been this way. Maybe I'm right about something?

A Common Condition

After my last post about complaining, I did not foresee myself writing about the subject again. However, I feel as though I have been bombarded by complaints ever since. Real, imagined, and just plain pointless are the things I have been seeing. Most are aimed at anonymous groups of "others". As though the whole world is at fault. Everything must be wrong in the world if so many feel they have to speak out about the most trivial of things. "To err is human, to forgive is divine" said Alexander Pope some 300 years ago. Have truer words been spoken? I am not religious in any way, but what happened to the Golden Rule?

It hurts me. It really does. Maybe I feel too much, maybe I'm dramatic. So many people seem to be disgusted with everyone else. What makes them think that they are so right? How can they possibly judge? Even children know that everyone makes mistakes. They know that not everyone is as smart. They also know that they aren't the best and the smartest out there. If those generalizations are not true, please, bring me a self-righteous child who is unwilling to change their mind.

I hear so many generalizations about people abusing welfare, people drinking, people being bloody "stupid". I just want everyone to shut. up.

How can one judge a mother? How can someone judge another's intelligence? How do you choose who is wrong for this world? And who told you everything was going to be fine?

There are so many proverbs about people in glass houses and pointing fingers. When did the world stop listening?

I just want to say: People have always been this way.  Actually, if you look back through history, we are so much better off than we've ever been. In the Western world we are half civilized. There are serious problems in society. But how long everyone going to sit on their lazy ass, watching TV, or browsing the internet before they finally take a damn stand, and DO SOMETHING.

Quit your bitching.

*Yes, I am aware of the hypocritical nature of this post. That is why it is titled "A Common Condition".

Sleeplessness

Questions lead to more questions
At unparalleled speeds
And a frenetic pacing behind my eyes...
Punctuation is carving away at reality
Half formed ideas slip a w a y . . . . . . . . .

What Gives You The Right To Complain?

Seriously? We all listen to complaints. We all have them. But what makes anyone's problems more worthy of hearing? It seems common, that while complaining, the plaintiff has a superiority complex. As if the simple fact that they are stating their problems makes their problems the greatest in the whole world. Obviously, that isn't the case 99% of the time. Yeah, I just made up that statistic.
Anyways, I'm not writing to complain about whiny people. That would make me a huge hypocrite. I'm writing to try and understand empathy, or the lack of it, when someone starts to tell you their problems. I always try to see others' perspectives, but find myself apathetic sometimes. Mostly when someone else is in pain. We've all been in pain. And sometimes, you just want to tell someone to stop being a crybaby. The next time I'm in pain, though, I do want someone to listen to me and emphasize. And I believe most people think that by not talking about pain, etc., it means you are stronger. But are complainers weak? Everyone is always searching for the people that will listen to their most juvenile complaints.

And, as often happens, I realized that this post is going nowhere, and that I've said all I've got to say.

It comes down to this: When do you feel you've overstepped your bounds when complaining. Call it what you will- Sharing a story, describing a bad experience, relationships, pain, anxiety... When is it ok and when should you "man up"? Is it possible to share a bad experience without someone else labeling it complaining?

I never thought my life would end up like this. Ever. I am ashamed and disappointed. And it's all my fault. Maybe I'm just not strong enough. I don't even know how I've gotten through the past couple days... All I've wanted to do is just curl up and cry... I don't know what I want, but I don't want what I've got. I just want out.

Haha... My dog thinks I'm insane, I think. "why the he'll is Lindsay moaning like that and why is that stuff coming out her eyes? What a party pooper. Woof".

I don't think I've ever felt so alone... I don't think I've ever felt so weak and indecisive. Someone could come and walk all over me right now, and I wouldn't even care. On the outside, it seems like things are going good for me. I can't seem to make myself believe it though. Things will get better... That's the only thought that keeps me sane. They've got to get better.

I need a tissue. Later.

Rearrangement

I feel like I am drowning in a morass of negativity.. I am surrounded by it night and day. I try to be positive and get away, but misery loves company and encouraging words are scorned hastily. I just want to get away from all this and wrap myself up in happy people with gentler lives. I don't think they exist though. I'm losing any respect for humanity. I know there are good, kind, giving people out there. I've met them randomly. They come out of nowhere and make you smile. They are a beacon of hope in the shrouding darkness of immorality in the world. I want to be one of those people. I have to run through the careless words, as though they are branches in a dark forest, whipping me in the face. It gets hard to believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, a break in the trees... Believing in the sunshine feels as absurd as the Catholic church believing the Earth revolves around the sun in the 16th century. While there is every proof that it is the truth, I staunchly hold onto the ways things are.

I got a paper route! And I'm quitting it already, haha... I need a real job. And my body feels like it got run over by a truck. It's my own fault. I should have done the job in a more efficient way.

So, I'm back to square one. I don't know if I even made it to square two, but I tried :) donating plasma isn't working out either. Between having a high pulse, conflicting schedules and being tired as an overworked mule, I haven't been able to successfully donate.

Today it's going to be hot, damn hot!

I'm just glad I can enjoy it :) no papers tomorrow! I don't know if I'll be able to watch fireworks on Sunday night... I haven't missed fireworks since...well, I don't even know. It's only my third favorite holiday. I can miss it.

That's all for now. I just realized that is has been a while since I wrote on here.

Limitless

I just watched the movie Limitless, starring Bradley Cooper. I must say that it was awesome! I wasn't expecting too much, but it was a little thought provoking, and had just the right amount of action, violence and sex to be entertaining. The plot is about a man that gets ahold of a drug that lets him use and access 100% of his brain. Watching his trials and successes is the thought provoking part. The ending leaves you thinking...

So, now I'm thinking. And I must say I feel smarter...

Wow. That was a blonde sentence.

But, I feel a little limitless myself. More creative certainly. I might just start writing something. Although I would be better off  using this brainpower to think of ways to get a job. Because, even if I write the next great novel, it won't get published without money. Yeah, yeah, I could self-publish, but I'd still have to promote it. On Monday(or Tuesday or Wednesday) I'm going to go to a temp agency, finally.  Up until now I've been too proud to do so.

Time to push my pride out the door, and onto the street. There's no room for it in my life anymore! Pride, fear, and laziness can take a hike, too. I've been feeling motivated. Heck, yesterday I did sit-ups and pushups and squats... Holy crap, I exercised. Haha. I just did what I could do in my room without making too much noise.

Ten Rules For Being Human

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it’s yours to keep for the entire period.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, “life.”
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The “failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately “work.”
4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There’s no part of life that doesn’t contain its lessons. If you’re alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.
6. “There” is no better a place than “here.” When your “there” has become a “here”, you will simply obtain another “there” that will again look better than “here.”
7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life’s questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. You will forget all this.

http://deshoda.com/words/ten-rules-for-being-human/

Overtired Connection

Isn't it strange that media, jokes, songs and games for "mature: audiences, are really quite immature?

Essentially, everyone whom indulges in such things, is having a little tingle of excitement because they are "getting away with it".

Porn, offensive jokes, cussing and violence...
Are they ever really funny?
Porn should be used as a stimulant, or to learn some new moves ;)
Offensive jokes.. well, they're just not nice. And I only find them ok when the subjects are idiots :)
Swearing should be used for emphasis and anger.
Violence? It happens... But I don't get the thrill of games and such where you kill things/people. I've never been a big gamer, so I never really cared. Violent movies are... Actually, I find them boring.

Maybe I'll think of something else to add when I wake up.


I cleaned my room today. I keep finding things to throw away or donate... Where is it all coming from???? I didn't have that much stuff to begin with, but I keep coming across more. If I put my mind to it, I could put it all away today.

...

...

Meh.

I gave my puppy a bath last night :) She's so clean and fluffy! I just read an interesting article about "Small dog syndrom". She's got it. Crap.
Basically, smaller dogs are treated differently that larger dogs. They are allowed to jump on people, pull on a leash, sit on furniture(and laps), and are coddled more. But dogs are not aware of their size. All dogs have the same pack mentality and allowing a dog to jump and beg and paw at you to be pet means that the owner isn't seen as the alpha.
It makes me a little pissed to know I was doing it all wrong. I thought I was comforting her, or respecting her... But she is not a human, and her scratching at me to pet her is getting annoying.

Time to take control!!

'Cause we all know how good at that I am... *rolls eyes*

All I want is to stop her from lying on my pillows. Then we'll be cool :D