Forgive Typos. Typing in Dark.

Why is it so easy to make yourself believe that no one cares about you?
Well, I guess it isn't that easy. It takes some time for all those thoughts to weasel their way in. Once they're in they take days to banish.
I have a hard time telling people what I feel, that I love them. No- that's not it.
I have a hard time believing that people think I mean it. Which leads me to think that they don't care about me.
Every time I say, "I love you" and "I hope everything is(will be/going) well for you", I get the impression that others think I'm just uttering niceties. 
Maybe I speak too soon or too late.
Maybe I'm not the problem.
Our methods of communication have changed so much in the past years.I don't need to list them. I'm old fashioned, and not just because I say old fashioned and not old school.
I like books and pen and paper and patina and history.
What good are those things in a digital age when everything is deleted?

Am I being deleted?

I Really Did It This Time

     I am so mean... My sister Julie and I have always butted heads. But I think I may have gone too far this time. She put a facebook status about how her daughter Mariah made her cry. Mariah is 14 and has always been a brat, but I just couldn't stand seeing Julie try to get sympathy for something like this. I told her to grow up. Of course, she deleted my comment and sent me a message telling me I was being bitchy, and I of course responded in a perfectly unnecessarily bitchy fashion.
    
     For something where I didn't have to say anything, I sure gave it to her. You see, Julie just left her husband, goes out drinking, got her nose and ear pierced, etc. My sister Lisa thinks she may be having a midlife crisis. I wouldn't go that far. I just think Julie is trying to act like she's 22 instead of 32.  After exchanging some messages that are prime examples of why I should never be allowed to write anything, I finally said I was sorry. Then Mariah started to talk to me. Not only could all of Julie's friend see that her daughter made her cry, Mariah could see it too! She commented about how it's none of anyone else's business about what they fight about and that she should tell the whole story(apparently Julie called her a bitch)etc... I said some more stuff, not bad, just agreeing with Mariah, and just now I looked and the whole thing has been deleted.

     At least I'm still Julie's friend on Facebook.  I guess I just want to get off my chest that I feel horrible and that I know there will be repercussions. I feel bad for Julie and Mariah. They've never gotten along, and now they have only each other. And I wish, more than anything, that Julie would try harder to be Mariah's mom and not her enemy. But, what do I know about parenting? Obviously, nothing because I never had kids! It's so frustrating to be able to see what's wrong so clearly, as an outside observer, but not to be able to have an opinion without being called "strange".

Feeling Better!!

Oh my gosh! I am feeling much better since my trip to Wisconsin! I got to see all my siblings and parents and many of my nieces and nephews! I didn't get to see any friends, but that's ok... I wanted to focus on family and letting them and Seth get to know each other! I guess Seth and I are moving to Wisconsin when our lease is up! I let him decide. I don't want to pressure him, but I guess he loves my family! Woo hoo! I hope I keep staying in a good mood and can avoid depression again. I don't want moving to Wisconsin to be a countdown, you know.

We even took our dog, Duke, to Wisconsin with us! He was amazing! He's such a great dog! He rode in the back of the truck most of the way, but he would jump in and out of the cab whenever he felt like it! He also had a blast playing with my mom's dog, Sophie. I think he misses his new friend now that we're back, though! Haha! It was so wonderful to be around my wonderful, laidback, dramatic, beautiful family!

When we arrived back here in Nebraska, everything was different! It was like the roommates thought we were moving out, or something. The whole place was clean, things were moved around. We now have a piano and a washing machine. Seth's Aunt, Uncle, cousin and Grandma moved to Arizona the day we got back. While we were gone Cody and Amanda got a bunch of stuff from them. And that is why we have a piano and washer. Amanda put up a bunch of decorations... I don't like them. It's a lot of Americana and wreaths and hearts/stars... Ugh! I looks like some old people live here! We're in our 20s, we should have modern/contemporary/colorful/pop art stuff!!! Whatever... All I do is hope they move out soon. I don't know when that will be. It sure looks as if they're here to stay!

On a more pleasant note, everyone seems happier here! I'm a lot more chill about things. As long as they don't eat my food, I'll be fine. Seth was bitching about his brother the whole time we were grocery shopping though. It really sucks not wanting to buy good food, because they might eat it! Ugh!

I need to get another job now. I quit Hastings so that I could go home. I don't regret it. I really needed to go home. It was the perfect pick me up!! Oh, and tomorrow I guess Ben is going to a lawyer to file for divorce! Finally.

Lindsay

My mind is a a thumbtrap.

So, it's been forever. Who do I have to impress. I've been going through some depression lately. Everything feels boring, stale and pointless. I can't get excited for anything and I just want to go home. I'm not even excited to start my job tomorrow. That's my employer's fault though. They took forever to call me back and even let me know when my training would be. Everything just seems to be so sporadic and la-di-da. I also don't like my roommates too much. They're stupid and lazy and boring. I know, I should give them a chance. But, I can't stand childish people. They're 20 years old. That's old enough that they should know how to do dishes, pick up after themselves and not complain about where all the milk went(they drank it). So, that stuff wouldn't be that big of a deal if they didn't do it all the time. It's just something that built up and I'm sick of it. I don't like complaining about it, but it's a runaway train and only time will slow it down. I don't really like Nebraska either. It's not too different, but that makes it worse. I want it to be so different that I'm always discovering and finding new things. But no, the people are mostly the same, just more conservative, they talk the same, walk the same. It makes me miss home more. I'm only 11 hours away from home. That's a day trip in my mind! But we never went home before I got the job because "we just got here". Seth won't admit it, but he never really wanted to go to Wisconsin. Now he's saying that we could have gone at any time and it's my fault. Even if I wanted to go visit, I don't know where we'd stay. My brother just moved in with my parents. Maybe at my sister Gina's house. I just feel out of place here and not very confident. That's not so unusual for me, but... I don't know. I don't have any support here... Seth is normally ok, but when I'm upset, he doesn't understand why,so he isn't very helpful.

I'm gonna hate it even more in winter. I just know it. I really can't wait for fall though! I want pumpkins and orange leaves and caramel apples! I want them right now! It seems as though the horrible heat has finally left. Thank goodness!

I can't think of anything positive to write, so I'm just gonna go. Maybe I'll be back soon.

Grace Face

New Template

Ooooh, I like poppies : ) They are pretty in that understated way. School seems like it'll be a breeze this term. I'll write more later... I need to get back into the swing of blogging. I need to come on here and state my thoughts. I gotta get away from Facebook!

I haven't been awake this late in awhile... I'm burnin' the 3 AM oil, I guess! So, I am finally getting ready to move to Nebraska! Erm, let me rephrase... I'm moving to Nebraska soon and I need to pack! Haha! I'll do it on the 25th or something. I can't believe it is going to happen. It's real... Holy shit.



In other news, I start my second term at Kaplan tonight. I just spent the past hour beating myself up by looking at reviews about the school. That's always a horrible idea. Most of the people that write opinions are the ones who lost money. It can't happen to everyone. I really think that most people drop out of online schools because there is so much LIFE going on around you! Especially at your own home. In an actual school you have entirely different things to focus on. I don't feel too bad about choosing an online education. I've already noticed that I'm smarter than about 85% of my classmates. It's ok, most of them haven't been in school for a long time. But those are the people, the ones that don't even know how to spell grammar, that get themselves fucked over and write shitty reviews. Most of the bad reviews are about Financial Aid... Hopefully I have no problems with them! Eek!



So, anyways, an education is an education. The school is regionally accredited, most of the professors seems to hold high degrees, the classes are interesting, and online degrees seem to be more accepted these days. Someday soon, I'll do some calling around; asking about if I could get a job somewhere with a certain degree. It's human services, so I don't think I'll have a problem!



I am surprised at how excited I am to start a new class! I haven't taken well to doing nothing again. 2 weeks of vacation were strange. I like worrying about something. Homework is the perfect thing to worry about! Eustress, eustress, eustress...



So, school and Nebraska.

That's about it.

I deleted my Facebook again. I really just feel like an idiot on there. The sad part is that I'm one of the only people I know that actually tried to use it to share information about the world around me, not just myself.

Facebook is creating a new definition of shallow.



I guess, all it took was my sister deleting a well written, non-judgemental, intelligent comment right in my face-- because I didn't take her side. Screw her. The world isn't about pleasing Julie. The world is infinitely larger and more interesting than my sister and her shallow, single minded views. She really, honestly never talk to anyone that disagrees with her. If she does, I'm sure she cuts them down behind their backs as soon as possible.



Enough about that. She's my sister and I love her. I shouldn't say bad things about her. She is a smart person, but we just don't get along. Heck, that talk I had with her, as she deleted my comment, was the first time I'd talked to her in 3 weeks. I'm the one that always calls.



I gotta long history of bitterness with her and her ideas of the world. She is the anti-Lindsay.



I'm just writing about it to get it off my mind. I really don't like thinking about it. Things like this though just eat at you. The more you try to talk about it with someone, the less they see you as a hurt person and the more they look at you as a whining, conceited, twit. But it hurts to be censored. Especially, by family. What's next? Is she going to censor me out of her life because my views don't match hers? Because I say something "wrong". I'm not making this up. I think she started censoring me when I was about 12 or 13. She should've learned by now that I never shut up.



Toodles,

Lindsay Grace

It's Been Awhile

I think I've been waiting to write until I had my brain sorted out. I don't think that's ever happened though. So I decided to take a deep breath and DO IT! Yay, I still don't know what to write about. It still feels good to type. I feel confident because I never have to look at the key board! Ha ha! I've gotta be satisfied to be good at something, no matter how mundane. The days have just been blending together lately. For the past couple months, it seems. I'm glad I'm doing college now. It takes my mind off things and gives me a sort of schedule. I really like what I'm learning. I'm getting more and more nervous as the end of the term draw near! Only a couple more weeks! Ah! Then I'll have a week off until the next term starts. I recently started to donate plasma, too. I don't really like it. I like it better than being broke, though!

I've recently started to become interested in sustainable living. I like it. It feels like a passion! It's so rare to find your passions. Some people become introduce to them at a young age, some find them in a library, or on the street. Maybe through friends. I found this through Face Book. Ha ha, as much as I don't like it. My cousin's girlfriend, Nicole Webb, kept posting links to some very interesting sites, on interesting topics! Things like organic farming, and Monsanto, and medications. Just a nice hodgepodge of things to pick through. I started to struggle through the mess myself, then. Determining what I agreed with and found too out there. I feel like a better person. I'm making my own little changes to the world. This isn't something bad. This is something awesome and non-destructive. How many habits can you say that about. Figuring out that I have the right to know where my food comes from and where it's grown is refreshing! It's so much better than just hating the government! Ha ha!

So far, what I have done is create a compost bin(my brother's called me stupid at least 10 times about it), started using biodegradable soaps ( have you read what they put in that stuff), and I'm eating less meat. Becoming a vegetarian is just not possible for me. I like meat! I do realize that I eat entirely too much of it! Americans eat 1 million animals an hour! Holy Moley! The knowledge that these animals are fed things they are not made to eat, given vaccinations because of the food, and then thousands get slaughtered in and hour. Crazy. I don't want any part in in. I would love to have my own little spread to raise chickens and cows. I would love to have my own garden. I would love to make bread everyday. Unfortunately, I live with my parents, who will be moving sometime this year. I will be moving soon, I hope. It just isn't worth it to plant a garden when I won't be able to reap the benefits.

All this is pretty depressing to me. I'm forced to change my lifestyle in other ways.

I can't wait until the farmer's market starts up :) I'm pretty sure it's this Saturday.

Well, ciao!

Lindsay

Pinch Me

This song is on repeat right now. It's kind of how I see my life : ) I haven't listened to Barenaked Ladies in foreeeeeeeeeeeeeeveeeeeeeeeer! I forget how awesome they are.

It's the perfect time of year
Somewhere far away from here
I feel fine enough, I guess
Considering everything's a mess.
There's a restaurant down the street
Where hungry people like to eat
I could walk, but I'll just drive
It's colder than it looks outside.

It's like a dream - you try to remember but it's gone, then ya
Try to scream but it only comes out as a yawn, when ya
Try to see the world beyond your front door.
Take your time the way I rhyme's gonna make you smile, when ya
Realize that a guy my size might take a while, just to
Try to figure out what all this is for.

It's the perfect time of day
To throw all your cares away
Put the sprinkler on the lawn
And run through with my gym shorts on.
Take a drink right from the hose
And change into some drier clothes
Climb the stairs up to my room
Sleep away the afternoon.

It's like a dream - you try to remember but it's gone, then ya
Try to scream but it only comes out as a yawn, when ya
Try to see the world beyond your front door.
Take your time the way I rhyme's gonna make you smile, when ya
Realize that a guy my size might take a while, just to
Try to figure out what all this is for.
Pinch Me
Pinch Me
Cos I'm still asleep.
Please God
Tell Me
That I'm still asleep

On an evening such as this (yo)
It's hard to tell if I exist
Pack the car and leave this town
who'll notice that I'm not around?
I could hide out under there
I just made you say 'underwear'
I could leave but I'll just stay
All my stuff's here anyway.

I got some great news! I should be packed and ready to move out soon! It's so tempting to just sit and stare at a calender for hours and wait for time to pass! School is going good! I haven't done anything too difficult. It's only the beginning and I hope it gets more challenging. If it doesn't then I'm going to be real bored for 4 years! Haha!

I am so happy!!! Today is my one year anniversary with Seth!! Being in love with him has made me the worst person and the best... Ah, the things we do for love... Can't wait to see him soon!

Grace Face

In between phone calls...

Yup, it's obvious. I haven't posted much on here. This is, in fact, the first of the year! Go me! Speaking of the new year... Well, there isn't much to say. I thought I would have started something by now. My new life, maybe another job, school. I don't know, something. Once again, I'm still in the same place. Sitting on my bedroom floor, typing on my keyboard. But, you know what? That's ok. It's just fine. I'm doing good. I started tearing down the shed in my backyard today. It felt really good to do something. Something productive! To do something where I can physically see results! I love being outside too, and the weather this past week and the week to come has been great! I can't believe spring is almost here. Hell, it is here! This past winter will forevermore be called the lost Winter of 2009. I'm glad I decided to write on here! I really should have a couple nights ago. I had one of those nights where I had such a clear mind. The kind where I can think of anything, do anything... I had some great ideas for stories and things to write and pictures to take and things to paint. But it's gone now. So we'll all just have to settle for normal Linzi, not Brilliant Linzi! Haha!

Right now, I'm just sitting around, waiting for Seth to call me back. I love our conversations! We can talk for hours and hours. It's probably not healthy but it's all we have. I found out some news, but it's not the news I wanted. It's going to take longer for him to get out. There's no one to be mad at. It's not one of those situations. People make mistakes. I realized though, that I've already been waiting this long, so what's another couple months? It sucks. It really does, but it would be just plain stupid to give up on him now! I love Seth, he means everything to me.

So, I've been doing a lot of waiting in my life. I sometimes wonder if that's all life is. One big wait. Have you heard that new song by Carrie Underwood? It's a bunch of fucking drivel. She's singing(from different people's perspectives) about how this is just their temporary home. Where's their real home? Heaven. Lame. Why would you want to live your life waiting to die? Fuck Heaven! I want Heaven on Earth! This is the most beautiful place that I know. Ugh.

Anyways... I'm too tired to finish this post now.

Grace Face