Hmm

Now that I'm back home, for good, I've been thinking. Not as much as I thought I'd be, but it happens now and again. Mostly about where everything went wrong. I've decided that it all started when I began to make my own choices. Am I just super dumb? Or do I like taking risks? I've been hanging out with Aaron Mutchmore a lot recently and it's a blast from the past. And it keeps making me think of the future I could have had. All the "if only's" and... I don't know what to do about it. Is this where I start to think I'm an adult? When I start to regret every little thing I've ever done? Someone's at the door. Bye.

2nd Blog of the Year

I wish I had something happier to write about. Today, I finally made the decision to end my relationship with Seth. It's so strange because there was no catalyst. No defining moment. Just resolution.

He doesn't want to break up, but I'm sure it's more out of fear of change and loneliness. I need to go back home. I can't be here anymore. I'm in the same situation I was in with Ben. He's got a full time job, I don't. We only have one car and it's winter, so I'd have to freeze just to walk to work. This town doesn't even have a bus system.

The biggest thing, the one that feels right, is that we never should have had an actual relationship. I shouldn't have moved here. I don't regret it, but it was a dead end street. Most relationships that start as ours did don't last anyway. I think we both wanted to prove the world wrong! It didn't work.

When I get home, I'm going to get a job and just focus on work.
I need to pay off all my debt.
After that has been payed down or off, I'll get my own place and start working towards my dreams.
I know I don't want to be in a relationship for a really long time.
Two long relationships, back to back, has been stressful and they've taken their toll on me. I don't really know if I'll ever find my perfect person.
Right now, I don't really care to.

I work best alone, I guess. Haha, I don't want to be a loner, or lonely. I just need to stop relying on someone else for fulfillment. I don't need anyone else to take me away, or take care of me. I can do that for myself. I also need to work on making some true friendships.

Friends come and go, too. They just don't seem to have such a direct impact that a boyfriend does. I'll find someone with my interests and who likes to listen. I haven't had a real girlfriend in a very long time.

Until that happens, though, I'll have to find a way to get to Wisconsin. Preferably with most of my stuff! Any type of truck rental would be around $400 without gas, and shipping my stuff separate is even more costly.

Then when I get home, I'll need to beat the streets like a madwoman to find a job. I don't care how much I make, or if I'll like it. I just want to be able to work full time. If the job is in town, then maybe I could take a bus to work, I hope. I'll have to get a car sometime too. It's too cold for bikes and mine is shot anyways. In the spring I could maybe use a bike. I just hate that I'll have to move in with my parents again. My brother is still living there and there aren't even any beds. I guess I'll have to share the couch with Mason. Maybe Seth will let me take the air mattress?

Which leads me back to how I'll get to Wisconsin. Seth can't take me. We don't have money for gas and he works Monday-Saturday. Mom said something about coming to get me, but I don't know if they would have the time, money or fortitude for such a venture. It would be best. I could help pay for gas on the way back. We'll see. I probably will be here in Nebraska for a bit longer. It's nice that Seth is getting used to the idea of breaking up and he's not reacting badly. I know that sounds weird, but I've had some bad breakups, so this is pretty nice.

The strangest part is that I don't feel any different towards him.

It's love but not passion. I don't detest him, I'm not disgusted. I just feel the same. Like he's just my friend. We've gotten to the point where we're comfortable, most of the time. When we aren't fighting that is. I'm not used to this. I don't like to fight. When we fight, no one wins. I'm used to always winning! Haha! That's why I'm happy that he's not really fighting me about this.
Besides, we're both starting to get excited about that the future holds now! This is good for him. He needs to find a fun loving, sporty, COPS watching girl who wants to have lots of babies and get married forever. And I need to get my own life in order and stop mooching off people.

'Nough said.

Lindsay

Happy New Year!

So, one of my resolutions is to blog more! It should be easy! I hope, haha! I just need to stay away from Facebook and stick to this! I don't have a life that interests anyone on Facebook, so why should I waste my time? I'm not pregnant, I don't have kids, and I don't go and do crazy shit with people. So, no pictures and no cool, exciting or frustrated status.

I finished my afghan finally! I'm very proud of myself! It's not as big as I thought it would be, but I'm ready to be done. I'm not sure if I want to crochet anymore or start a completely new kind of project. I really want to paint my tables(dining and coffee). I want them to be funky and colorful. Definitely one of a kind pieces.

Another resolution has to do with Seth. I miss that feeling we had when we first started our relationship! And I want it back! I still love him and like him, I just want to want him like I used to.

I also need to find a job, pay off my bills, and maybe lose some weight. I don't really want those to be goals though, cause they'll all happen in time.

Hmm, last night Seth and I had a talk. I come to realize in the past couple months that I really don't think I want to get married again or have children. Seth doesn't care too much about the marriage thing, but he loves kids. He was born to be a dad! I decided to get all this out there and see what his take is. I don't want to stop him from having children. For now we are together and it's alright. I know that a day is going to come along when we have to make some major decisions about our relationship. I still don't know if we'll make it to Wisconsin... I know that I'm going back. I don't know if he'll be coming with me.

 Sometimes, it's ok that people are in your life only for a little while.
 And, given the way Seth and I got together, I'm surprised we even are together! Most relationships like ours fall apart very fast. But I love him, he's been a very good friend and it has been interesting getting to know him and see his home. I like his family and stuff too.

 I don't want this to seem morose or anything. I'm feeling pretty good and who knows, maybe I'd change my mind, or he'd change his. Maybe our future is bright and wonderful. But if we're going to go downhill, I don't want to be sad and angry about it. I don't want to fight and I would want to still be friends.
So, that's my New Year's post!

 Happy New Year and good luck with your goals and resolutions!
 Grace Face

Forgive Typos. Typing in Dark.

Why is it so easy to make yourself believe that no one cares about you?
Well, I guess it isn't that easy. It takes some time for all those thoughts to weasel their way in. Once they're in they take days to banish.
I have a hard time telling people what I feel, that I love them. No- that's not it.
I have a hard time believing that people think I mean it. Which leads me to think that they don't care about me.
Every time I say, "I love you" and "I hope everything is(will be/going) well for you", I get the impression that others think I'm just uttering niceties. 
Maybe I speak too soon or too late.
Maybe I'm not the problem.
Our methods of communication have changed so much in the past years.I don't need to list them. I'm old fashioned, and not just because I say old fashioned and not old school.
I like books and pen and paper and patina and history.
What good are those things in a digital age when everything is deleted?

Am I being deleted?

I Really Did It This Time

     I am so mean... My sister Julie and I have always butted heads. But I think I may have gone too far this time. She put a facebook status about how her daughter Mariah made her cry. Mariah is 14 and has always been a brat, but I just couldn't stand seeing Julie try to get sympathy for something like this. I told her to grow up. Of course, she deleted my comment and sent me a message telling me I was being bitchy, and I of course responded in a perfectly unnecessarily bitchy fashion.
    
     For something where I didn't have to say anything, I sure gave it to her. You see, Julie just left her husband, goes out drinking, got her nose and ear pierced, etc. My sister Lisa thinks she may be having a midlife crisis. I wouldn't go that far. I just think Julie is trying to act like she's 22 instead of 32.  After exchanging some messages that are prime examples of why I should never be allowed to write anything, I finally said I was sorry. Then Mariah started to talk to me. Not only could all of Julie's friend see that her daughter made her cry, Mariah could see it too! She commented about how it's none of anyone else's business about what they fight about and that she should tell the whole story(apparently Julie called her a bitch)etc... I said some more stuff, not bad, just agreeing with Mariah, and just now I looked and the whole thing has been deleted.

     At least I'm still Julie's friend on Facebook.  I guess I just want to get off my chest that I feel horrible and that I know there will be repercussions. I feel bad for Julie and Mariah. They've never gotten along, and now they have only each other. And I wish, more than anything, that Julie would try harder to be Mariah's mom and not her enemy. But, what do I know about parenting? Obviously, nothing because I never had kids! It's so frustrating to be able to see what's wrong so clearly, as an outside observer, but not to be able to have an opinion without being called "strange".

Feeling Better!!

Oh my gosh! I am feeling much better since my trip to Wisconsin! I got to see all my siblings and parents and many of my nieces and nephews! I didn't get to see any friends, but that's ok... I wanted to focus on family and letting them and Seth get to know each other! I guess Seth and I are moving to Wisconsin when our lease is up! I let him decide. I don't want to pressure him, but I guess he loves my family! Woo hoo! I hope I keep staying in a good mood and can avoid depression again. I don't want moving to Wisconsin to be a countdown, you know.

We even took our dog, Duke, to Wisconsin with us! He was amazing! He's such a great dog! He rode in the back of the truck most of the way, but he would jump in and out of the cab whenever he felt like it! He also had a blast playing with my mom's dog, Sophie. I think he misses his new friend now that we're back, though! Haha! It was so wonderful to be around my wonderful, laidback, dramatic, beautiful family!

When we arrived back here in Nebraska, everything was different! It was like the roommates thought we were moving out, or something. The whole place was clean, things were moved around. We now have a piano and a washing machine. Seth's Aunt, Uncle, cousin and Grandma moved to Arizona the day we got back. While we were gone Cody and Amanda got a bunch of stuff from them. And that is why we have a piano and washer. Amanda put up a bunch of decorations... I don't like them. It's a lot of Americana and wreaths and hearts/stars... Ugh! I looks like some old people live here! We're in our 20s, we should have modern/contemporary/colorful/pop art stuff!!! Whatever... All I do is hope they move out soon. I don't know when that will be. It sure looks as if they're here to stay!

On a more pleasant note, everyone seems happier here! I'm a lot more chill about things. As long as they don't eat my food, I'll be fine. Seth was bitching about his brother the whole time we were grocery shopping though. It really sucks not wanting to buy good food, because they might eat it! Ugh!

I need to get another job now. I quit Hastings so that I could go home. I don't regret it. I really needed to go home. It was the perfect pick me up!! Oh, and tomorrow I guess Ben is going to a lawyer to file for divorce! Finally.

Lindsay

My mind is a a thumbtrap.

So, it's been forever. Who do I have to impress. I've been going through some depression lately. Everything feels boring, stale and pointless. I can't get excited for anything and I just want to go home. I'm not even excited to start my job tomorrow. That's my employer's fault though. They took forever to call me back and even let me know when my training would be. Everything just seems to be so sporadic and la-di-da. I also don't like my roommates too much. They're stupid and lazy and boring. I know, I should give them a chance. But, I can't stand childish people. They're 20 years old. That's old enough that they should know how to do dishes, pick up after themselves and not complain about where all the milk went(they drank it). So, that stuff wouldn't be that big of a deal if they didn't do it all the time. It's just something that built up and I'm sick of it. I don't like complaining about it, but it's a runaway train and only time will slow it down. I don't really like Nebraska either. It's not too different, but that makes it worse. I want it to be so different that I'm always discovering and finding new things. But no, the people are mostly the same, just more conservative, they talk the same, walk the same. It makes me miss home more. I'm only 11 hours away from home. That's a day trip in my mind! But we never went home before I got the job because "we just got here". Seth won't admit it, but he never really wanted to go to Wisconsin. Now he's saying that we could have gone at any time and it's my fault. Even if I wanted to go visit, I don't know where we'd stay. My brother just moved in with my parents. Maybe at my sister Gina's house. I just feel out of place here and not very confident. That's not so unusual for me, but... I don't know. I don't have any support here... Seth is normally ok, but when I'm upset, he doesn't understand why,so he isn't very helpful.

I'm gonna hate it even more in winter. I just know it. I really can't wait for fall though! I want pumpkins and orange leaves and caramel apples! I want them right now! It seems as though the horrible heat has finally left. Thank goodness!

I can't think of anything positive to write, so I'm just gonna go. Maybe I'll be back soon.

Grace Face